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Tonight’s post is sponsored by The Lakes Gin

Tonight’s post is sponsored by The Lakes Gin. It’s sponsored by a very special gin that comes in a very pretty bottle thats reminiscent of bright summer days. I need gin. I really need this delicious gin because I’ve had one of those disastrous days.

My life is just a series of catastrophes, one after the next. I overcome one thing and then find myself at the next hurdle. It’s Teds party on Saturday. I haven’t procured a cake. I have no idea who I have invited to the party but it will be fun remembering as they turn up.

Dangerous is in the doghouse……

Having lived with Dangerous for over seventeen years, I thought that we got along quite well. He does his shit and I do mine. I usually do mine whilst swearing through gritted teeth but I have my list of stuff that I’m accountable for and he has his. I swear that bins, lightbulbs, trimming bushes, and decorating are man things but he suggests not.
Dangerous has always had the alarm clock at his side of the bed and then in the last couple of years his phone. I get up before Dangerous every day but he sets the alarm clock. This is our way.

This is the conversation last night

Totes “I’m going running tomorrow morning with Stacey, please can you put the alarm on for 5.15?”

Dangerous “I’ve already done it!”

Totes “for 5.15, are you sure?”

Dangerous “Yes 5.15 Im sure”

Totes “But I’ve only just told you that I’m running, are you sure that you’ve set it for 5.15?”

Dangerous “I’m sure”

Totes “how did you know?”

Dangerous “I just knew that you were running because I know you so well”

Totes “5.15, the alarm is on for 5.15?”

Dangerous – sounding cross now “Yes I’ve told you, stop asking”

Totes “did you take Trevor for a wee?”

Dangerous “Yes”

Totes “did he do one?”

Dangerous “Yes”

Totes “5.15?”

Dangerous “Fucking go to sleep”

At 3.15 this morning Trevor howled. I tried to ignore him, thinking that he was having a doggy nightmare but he persisted. I could hear the rain and the wind whipping against the window. I elbowed Dangerous.

Totes “did Trevor do a wee when you took him out?”

Dangerous “mmmmmm no it was raining, he wouldn’t go out”

Totes “I’ve got no clothes on, have you?”

Dangerous “no”

Totes “you lying bastard. You’ve got clothes on I can feel them!”

Eventually I got out of bed as everything after lights out is also my jurisdiction and padded downstairs. I looked at the time and I opened the door. I had a pair of knickers on and nothing else. Trevor looked at the wet outside and hesitated, so with tits swinging in the wind and the rain, I took him out and put him under the trampoline to do a wee. I stood getting pissed wet through and freezing cold outside whilst he did the wee. Five long minutes as he snuffles around looking for a nice spot whilst I stand swearing with my arms trying to hide my boobs wearing nothing more than a pair of old M&S knickers. The nudity has nothing to do with seduction. I don’t fancy myself as Marilyn Monroe who would only wear Chanel no5 to sleep in. It’s more that I get night sweats.

I normally wear my Fitbit at night but it was charging. I don’t have my phone at the side of the bed because it lights up throughout the night. I tried to go back to sleep but knowing that I was running in two hours, I struggled to get back to sleep. I would intermittently doze and have a dream that I was out running. At about four thirty according to my body clock which is surprisingly accurate, I woke and daren’t go back to sleep lest I not wake up on time. I laid in the dark telling myself to not get up until the alarm went off so that I wouldn’t wake the little shits or the dog. My running gear was all laid out ready so I only needed to brush my teeth and put it on.

You know what happened don’t you?

The alarm went off and I dived into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I had picked my phone up and looked in horror as I saw 05.45 and three or four messages from Stacey to say that she was sat outside waiting in the car.

I went onto the slimy mossy balcony at the front of our house, again with tits flapping in the wind to see if she was still there, sat patiently waiting in her little white car. There was no sign of the car. I had to hop back to the bedroom as one of my feet was covered in slime from the balcony that a silly architect put at the front of our north facing property.

Alas poor Stacey, having realised that I was not coming had left.

I hopped in, naked with my slimy foot to see my gently snoring husband. I shook him violently

“Wake up you twat!”

“You fucking dogs dick! You fucking said that you’d put the alarm on! You absolute arsehole. Why the fuck did you not check? Why? I said 5.15! I asked you over and over again to check. I’ve been awake all bastarding night. Do you hear me? I’ve been lying awake knowing that it was time to get up but waiting for the fucking alarm to go off because you said that you’d put it on. Poor Stacey got up at 5.00am to go for a run and she sat outside our fucking house waiting for me whilst I laid there awake knowing that it was time to get up but not doing because you said that YOU’D PUT THE MOTHERFUCKING ALARM ON!!!!”

Dangerous “I did put the alarm on”

Totes “Yes you did for thirty minutes later than I needed to get up”

Dangerous “That’s very rude, you can set your own alarm from now on”

Totes “RUDE, RUDE, I’LL GIVE YOU FUCKING RUDE. I’ve been laid wide awake waiting for an alarm to go off. Not ten metres away, my friend was waiting for me. She got up at 5.00am to go for a run with me. She daren’t ring the doorbell because she didn’t want to wake the little shits”

Later Dangerous bemused by the whole incident but seeing that I was not speaking to him Sent Stacey a message on Facebook from my account.
It reads

“Sorry Stacey. It was my fault, Dangerous” but it’s from Alison.

It’s going to be a very large gin and I’m not sharing it with him.

Mmmmmm lovely gin

Coat Gap £70 ish
Leather culottes M&S £29.99 ages ago
Bag TK Maxx