Things that I have worried about whilst running alone and excellent ways in which Ito deal with them.
I bumped into a lady yesterday who was walking her dogs. I gave her a bit of a fright as I appeared from nowhere like a ninja. We had a chat about how lonely it was in the woods. She assured me that it’s a very safe area but she was the one that shit herself…
Whilst it’s very unlikely that anybody would attack me because I’m quite a big unit and I’m loud, I have given it some thought.
I still go out by myself. I’ll quite happily run in the dark or really early in the morning. I’ve no problem at all with running through woodland alone but sometimes my imagination runs riot.
It’s scary out there…
There are so many potential incidents that could occur whilst you run alone.
I’ve thought about all scenarios and can honestly say that I’m ready for anything.
My fears are many and varied. They range from the quite ordinary fear of lone man on the canal without a dog (who’s probably just smoking skunk) to the quite frankly, stupid.
They are, in no particular order;
Having a heart attack and nobody being around to help me. Don’t worry I know the information in relation to coughing is not a good idea. I’d give it a go though, if I thought that it might help.
Getting lost in remote woodland or a bog and losing mobile signal. I have imagined the one hand poking out of the bog, as the mountain rescue find me, too late.
Getting my white trainers muddy. I bought some Asics that should have been £150. They were reduced to £88 because they are the brightest, whitest trainers that you ever did see. No other fucker wanted them because they are a ridiculous colour. The first time that I wore them I had to wade through black mud. I fucking hate mud. They are no longer white but I have to clean them as soon as they become dirty.
Getting mugged. I have made up all sorts of bizarre scenarios in my head after somebody told me about two big burly men who upon finishing a fell half marathon got mugged by two crack addicts who came out of a field, over a Gate and demanded money. This was in the middle of the British countryside. The two men protested and said that they hadn’t got any money with them as they’d just finished a race. The two crack addicts who were absolutely off it, didn’t believe them and threatened to stab them. A fight ensued and the two burly runners legged it after punching the crack addicts.
Getting attacked by a dog – quite an ordinary and rational fear for a runner but what would I do?
Getting attacked by geese. They’re violent fuckers around our way!
Getting attacked by a rat. You should have seen the size of it. It was fucking massive!
Getting trampled and killed by cows when they stampede in a field. A heard once followed me with malicious intent as I ran past their field. I was certain that they were looking to get out so as to kill me.
Getting attacked by a knife wielding maniac wearing a ski mask or balaclava.
Don’t worry, I have carefully laid out plans for all attacks by both animals and psychos.
All involve squaring up to the assailants and asking them “do you really fancy your chances motherfucker?”if that doesn’t work, plan B is jumping in the canal. Then there’s plan C, the obvious, twatting them with a handy stick and plan D for the murderer is to Facebook live him so that everyone knows what he looks like. Plan E is outrunning them whilst screaming. This definitely works on the Geese as I have used this technique repeatedly and finally if all else seems to have failed, head but anything that moves whilst shouting
“You want some?”
The cows have their own emergency strategy. Obviously I will climb a tree.
At any given point whilst running, I have my keen eyes looking out for potential muggers/murderers/rapists but also Geese, rabid dogs, hard squirrels and vermin that could potentially do me harm. I’m also looking for implements/ weapons to defend myself with.
I’m also scared of falling and laying injured for days, unable to speak or ring for help. This is why I don’t like fell running where there are tufts of grass just waiting to trip me up. Fucking fells are overrated. They are full of mud, psycho drug addled muggers and trip hazards.
Insects can fuck off too. Its just getting to the point In the year when I swallow about four flies per long run as I run with my mouth open.
I’ve often wondered what would happen if they somehow survived in my stomach and then laid eggs. Would the larvae eat me from inside?
Especially if I’m been eaten from the inside by maggots.
Finding a dead body, in the canal or undergrowth.
Seeing someone drowning.
Falling in the canal by accident.
I have strategies in place for all of these potential incidents. I have 999 already typed into my phone and Facebook live is always ready to go.
In case of finding a dead body, I know to not touch anything so as to not implicate myself.
If anyone should be drowning, I will take my trainers off so as not to dirty them before attempting the rescue.
Stay safe out there, especially all you muggers, I’ve got a machete in my bum bag!