The Totes Inappropes guide to packing a capsule wardrobe for holidaying in Barbados.

The Totes Inappropes guide to packing a capsule wardrobe for holidaying in Barbados.

Vogue, Tattler and Elle would have you believe that the elegant, savvy world traveller can get by with a cabin sized piece of luggage (Louis Vuitton) containing eleven beautiful key pieces that all work together. This includes shoes and jewellery. I was going to go for navy and white. Classic yet elegant!

Having read all the advice, I concur that you can indeed get by with eleven items of clothing per person, per day for a similar, seven night stay in Beaumaris.

Fuck the “less is more” approach! I’d like to see Anna Wintour on Anglesey with three little shits, a dog and a pissed up husband.

What can I say, Barbados and Beaumaris both start with a B and has three syllables.

I’ve never been to Barbados but I bet that they’ve not got an ice cream shop like in Beaumaris!

The smelly and now sticky Nissan will barely be road worthy with the weight that is going in the back.

I’m hoping for warm weather but since we have been before, I have also packed gilets, wellies, walking boots, Birkenstocks, waterproof trousers and a cagoule for all.

I have cleaned the car out, even though I vowed not to as it will be under three inches of sand and stink of crab bait within three hours of setting off. Child size footprints will cover the roof and all the backs of seats on day one of the Totes getaway.

The lingering disgusting car smell still persists despite my best efforts. I have tried all suggestions including standing a cup of white vinegar in the vehicle overnight so as to neutralise odours. As soon as the smell of the vinegar subsided, we got the smelly little kid stench back again.

There has been an unfortunate incident in which a pair of Dangerous’s shorts caught fire. He will be inconsolable when he discovers that his favourite Linen Khaki shorts have met with an untimely end in a bizarre accident. I have yet to make the lies up in relation to this accident and wondered if anyone had any advice. I was hoping to stay quite close to the truth and maybe try to palm him off with a barbecuing accident and the clothes whirligig being too close to the flames.
This pair of shorts has been going strong for an estimated fifteen years. I have tried in vain to replace them in previous years but to no avail. There are at least another ten pairs in the drawers. Most still have the price tag attached. I have tried to lure him away from the linen shorts with all sorts of other brands. There have been very expensive shopping excursions to Jeagar, Crombie, Gap and Marks&Spensers. He will not wear anything else other than the baggy, ill fitting green threadbare monstrosities with seventeen pockets.

My biggest problem is going to be the booze. How the fuck am I going to get two dozen bottles of Sauvignon Blanc and a case of Pinot Noir into the car? Then there’s the gin!

Maybe I could leave Dangerous at home and get the wine in his seat, then I wouldn’t need to explain the charred shorts…

I have the largest case. I will pack Dangerous the capsule wardrobe that the posh magazines speak of.

Capsule my fucking arse! It’s going to be a completion to see how much I can cram in, just like every other year.

As a wise woman once said “Less isn’t more, more is fucking more!”

That was me!

If you would like to use my list, feel free

Dresses – fucking tons
Shoes – at least twenty seven pairs
Booze – gallons
Swimming cozzie
Tan accelerator
Little shits
Dog food