How to survive the Christmas party season with your dignity and pride intact! A survival guide written by one of Britain’s top drinkers!
(Who am I kidding. I wrote a similar post last year and it got me banned from Facebook for 24 hours for referencing takings Es)
Over the next couple of weeks, it’s the Christmas office do for millions of people! That’s right, millions of pissed up office partygoers are out living it large In town and city centres throughout the land. The wearing of sequinned dresses is mandatory as is partying like its 1999. The diminutive pop star would be proud of us Brits! I reckon that he had the office do in his head when he penned that one!
Now, you don’t want to be the laughing stock of your friends and colleagues. I’ve been there. I never learn……. and no fucker wants a trip to A&E throughout the festivities. Why not take it easy and not get minging! It’s not big or clever to overindulge so do the classy thing and leave off the jägerbombs and flaming Sambuca.
What you need is a plan…..a survival guide….or some ideas from a mental bitch who has broken her foot at a Christmas do, got off with her boss, pole danced, lost her skirt, thrown a pint over another boss on the dance floor for a laugh and been bitten on the neck by a colleague to name but a few incidents over an illustrious career of Christmas Do shenanigans.
So why not alternate each drink with a glass of water! That’s a clever idea! Ah fuck it!
I did that once and woke up in our new flat to find that I’d pissed great volumes all over a magazine rack in the lounge thinking that I was in a previous house in the bathroom.
Ok then, so let’s just say that you do get a bit pissed because you’ve earned it, let’s go through some basics that you should and shouldn’t do on the works Christmas night out.
If you are going to photocopy a part of your body, make sure it’s not your tits as they will look squashed on the copier! An arse shot is more refined and you are less likely to be identified should the evidence be discovered.
The meal, try and stay awake! It’s important, admittedly not as important as the drinking but you might as well line your stomach before secret Santa. Speaking of secret Santa, I feel that the spirit of this has diminished over recent years. What’s with people buying thoughtful and tasteful gifts? The whole reason that it’s secret is so that you can insult your colleagues! For the arse licker in the office, why not try a framed picture of the boss! If there’s a lady that is living a fabulous single life and getting lots of sex, why not show her how jealous you are with a small ceramic ornamental bicycle in a village scene that she can put it on her mantelpiece for all to see. If you are really stuck for something to buy, simply go with the old favourite of a dildo or maybe a book on fisting for beginners. This is good for anybody in HR or accounts. Simple, stylish and helpful!
And after dinner….
Don’t do Forward or backward rolls on the dance floor as this is likely to cause injury. Likewise limboing can end up in lower back injuries. If you must show off, try a little body popping or some mild robotics. Pogoing after childbirth can lead to leakage so be aware and empty your bladder prior to getting on the dance floor.
I find that acting out the lyrics to songs to be a very effective dance form. Impress your boss and show the office junior what a great team player you are with a few choice moves. If the DJ is taking requests why not try acting out “I think we’re alone now” by Tiffany or “like a prayer” by Madonna. These two classics never fail to amuse me when I’m well oiled. Throwing yourself on the floor to both of them will delight and amuse your fellow dancers and increase your chances of promotion within the company.
Wardrobe malfunctions will happen if one dances too enthusiastically! In my time I have had two severe Christmas wardrobe malfunctions. I once lost my skirt but managed to find it again on Princess Street so all was not lost. Nothing could have helped this however on another occasion, I broke the very thin straps of my top. Obviously my modesty was compromised and I had to tie the two thin pieces of material together leaving me looking like a sack of shit tied in the middle. Always make sure that the sensible person within your party has a needle and thread or at the very least, a safety pin. As an aside and I’m sure that it was near Christmas, I once fell down some stairs in a club, breaking the heal of my shoe and somersaulting into the queue of unsuspecting club goers waiting by the cloakroom, knocking over at least three or four people like skittles. Avoid injury by not standing at the bottom of stairs over the festive period.
Injuries will happen….
Don’t go to A&E twatted, the nurses will not give you any sympathy. For broken bones simply anesthetise with alcohol and present in the morning. For all other abrasions and minor injuries see the sensible one in your group. If you are in the Altrincham area and require stitching, I know somebody who’ll do it.
Don’t do it guys! If you are tiring and need a pick me up, a small red bull or a colleague slapping you around the face in the toilets should suffice! Besides it’s not like the good old days when one could obtain any number of pick me ups by asking a few people in the pub. That sort of thing is frowned upon these days.
For fucks sake make sure that you get home safe people. Don’t forget to talk inane shit to the poor Uber driver whilst pretending that you are not shit faced. If you are nice to him, he might pick you up when you fall out of the taxi.
Tomorrow’s top tips are about what to wear!