How to shop for the fashion forward yet frugal bitch that you are now.
It’s the sales. You need to get out there sister. Quickly before its gone. We can prop this post Brexit economy up. I know we can.
Here are my top tips for shopping the sales. It’s easy if you know how!
1, Never go with anybody else. It will slow you down. Under no circumstances shop with your mother. She will say things like “darling it’s very nice but don’t you have something almost identical?”. The answer to this is obviously “fucking hell mum, take a chill pill. I obviously know what suits me.”
Unless you have a rare breed husband (similar to a rare breed pig or cow) leave him at home too. I can’t abide all that tutting and eye rolling.
2, Seen a super bargain – buy it in every mother fucking colour available. It’s your duty.
3, Get a basket……no fuck it get two. You can always stash them behind the till when they are full.
4, Remember it’s not what you spend but what you save. You are a fashion forward frugal bitch. Your other half will be happy with the excellent savings that you have made…….maybe……if you tell him exactly what you saved over and over again until he goes glassy eyed.
5, Don’t even think about trying it on – that’s wasting time. The changing rooms are for losers. You can return the item and buy more if needed.
6, Reduced shoes – yes please – just pop them in the basket. You will wear them at some point. No shoes are bad shoes. They are all worthy of your attention.
7, Never buy anything boring or safe. Life’s too short for tasteful bastard LBDs. Consider if your husband will like it. If he won’t – it’s a keeper.
8, One must consider if something is reduced enough. Nobody wants a tenner off a hundred quid dress. That’s just fucking mean and stupid. Sales should be at least half price.
9, On the shop floor one must always be polite but if that bitch puts it down, it’s fair game.
10, it’s nice to be nice and will take no time out of your frenzy. If someone looks nice in something that they are trying on – tell her.
11, Walk and grab with purpose.
12, Don’t wait in the queue to pay, pop to menswear.
13, I usually adopt a zig zag approach to my perusing of the rails. No other fucker will know where you’re going next.
14, Little and often – no I’m lying – lots and often. The great things about the sales is that the more often you go – the more things are reduced.
Happy shopping – it’s your duty.