Running with a hangover.
Know the facts!
It has long been known that getting up and going for a run when one has overindulged in the Chablis is going to either “kill or cure” but do you know all the facts about Running whilst hungover?
Stop – think about it!
IT COULD BE VERY DANGEROUS!
If you get it wrong, you could spew on your hundred quid trainers!
First you need to ascertain, are you actually hungover or could you still be pissed?
There is a massive difference. You need to be very sure what you are dealing with.
A simple test is to put on a Taylor Swift Tune. If you start hopping around and pretending that you’ve got a microphone, then you are still pissed. If the sound of Taylor being all chirpy makes you want to strangle someone and vomit, then you are hungover.
Never run whilst still pissed. It can be extraordinarily dangerous. The owner of your local kebab shop may become very annoyed if you lick his windows, and demand that he open up at 9.00 am whilst wearing your Asics and fluorescent bum bag. Everyone knows that you can’t eat a kebab whilst running.
YOU MIGHT CHOKE!
Other problems that can arise from running whilst still pissed are
Falling over kerbs
Getting run over.
Talking to ninety two year old Mrs Smith from up the road about men you’d quite like to bang.
Scaring people with your breath.
Getting thrown out of park run for tripping people up whilst shouting “HA,TRY BEATING ME NOW MOTHERFUCKER!”
Failing to set your Runkeeper/Garmin/ properly so that you fail to record your running prowess.
Talking to the lady on Runkeeper and telling her that she is in fact wrong about how far you’ve run and you are actually running much fucking faster than she has suggested.
Dancing and singing loudly to music that you can hear through earphones that no fucker else can.
Having a little cry when Adele comes on in your earphones.
Hopping aboard a barge on your local run down the canal to pretend to be Rose on the Titanic.
The test of a true hangover is to get a nice policeman to get you to blow in the bag.
I approached a policeman, sat in his van this morning on Brooklands Road and he didn’t seem keen on giving me a breath test “in the name of science or for any other fucking reason!”
You’re going to have to make the call yourself with the Taylor Swift thing.
Once you have ascertained that you do in fact have a hangover, Here are some top tips.
Plan your route well. Make sure that if you are going to vomit in someone’s garden, that it’s someone that you aren’t keen on.
Keep away from canals as cyclists don’t take kindly to being forced off the tow path and into the water.
The Geese at the moment are particularly violent which fucks with your head when hungover. Trying to headbut the little bastards whilst hanging out of your arse is particularly difficult.
Make sure you’ve got the right kit – you will need your oldest running clothes on and the following;
Fluids, it might be wise to take a shopping trolley full of large bottles Of Lucozade Sport and water for all your hydration needs. You can borrow one from your local Aldi, they won’t mind.
Toilet roll, in case you need a shit.
Clean pants in case you get caught short and shit yourself.
A first aid kit, in case of running related injuries. You can put this in the shopping trolley with your nine pack of toilet roll and spare clothes.
A good friend to take photos of you, should you fall and to moan incessantly to about how unbelievably ill you feel. If they are a very good friend, they can also assure you that any fears you have about the previous evening are unfounded.
A hat and sun glasses to disguise your shame.
A hair of the dog and a packet of crisps waiting for you at home.
Now, if you see a Lycra clad, fluorescent bum bag wearing runner that looks like they could have shit their pants pushing a supermarket trolley overloaded with water, Lucozade sport and being followed by two pissed off looking Canadian Geese, heading towards a kebab shop, you will know that they had a pretty fucking heavy night out, last night!