Parents – I give you…
Ten imaginative and stylish things that you can do with the last three months letters and drawings that have been sent home from school, that you just found in your kids bag.
You know, all those mouldy old letters and dog eared drawings of a fish riding a tortoise or a self portrait that looks like your kid has taken magic mushrooms, that come out of the rotting school Bag?
You do know the sort…Easter bonnet competitions for over the enthusiastic and competitive parents, there has been an outbreak of nits, please shave your child’s head and dip it in fucking pesticide, permission to leave school to conduct a traffic survey in which at least two kids will get knocked over by an old bloke on a mobility scooter because he hates kids and they were pissing around outside his house, please send thirty quid so that your child can attend a horse denture clinic to see the dying art of denture making for rare breed shire horses and, can you please help out the PTA by baking and sending in two dozen cakes so that we can sell them for the princely sum of ten pence which is quite frankly an insult when every other mother fucker went to the Coop and that sort of general stuff type letters.
You know those letters?
They are usually filthy, water stained and considerably out of date. Accompanying them will be a considerable amount of pencil sharpener shavings, thirty unopened Xmas cards, an invite to a birthday party that you didn’t see and that took place last weekend, a couple of filthy used plasters, three dirty school jumpers but none belonging to your child and a pair of trainers that you had presumed lost and so replaced only last week.
Imagine the possibilities…
1, Fuck paying Hobbycarft prices! Simply use the letters as inexpensive decopatch. You could upcycle your hall console table that the little shits have taken chunks out of by kicking a football against Don’t worry about glue, use the three gallons of PVA stored in your ten year olds bedroom for the ingredients to slime that she thinks you don’t know about!
2, Have you not got a lighter and misplaced the cooks matches? Simply use a letter to get a flame from your hob to the barbecue! This could be quite dangerous. When testing out my theory, the smoke alarm went off, I panicked and threw the flaming paper in the sink.
3, puppy pads. Let your puppy piss all over them. They aren’t particularly absorbent but it is another idea…
4, should the worst happen and you run out of toilet paper…you could write a list to take to the supermarket on one!
5, use them as stylish table mats at Christmas.
6, do you have a dinner party arranged and you’ve run out of napkins? A school letter will make a a stylish and sophisticated napkin replacement. Your guests will be truly impressed. Should the conversation waiver, you could discuss your views on year twos residential course to the The youth hostel in Powys and how to get poster paint stains out of underwear.
7, Roll it up and make it into a straw for drinking wine. (Obviously when you’re already pissed as it does tend to make the paper soggy)!
8, How about making a letter into a hat to shield your eyes from the sun or a Spanish senorita type fan to cool you down on this hot day. You could do the traditional Flamenco dance for your husband whilst wafting it around sexily to cheer him up in his return for work.
9, Not paid the electricity bill this month? Set fire to the letters to create warmth and a cozy ambient feeling in your home, not to mention that rustic smokey smell.
10, how about making them into papermache and making a life size bust of Queen Victoria.
You are welcome!
Chin chin – up yer bum.