We are live from the leisure centre. We are only slightly hungover and get this……..Dangerous is with me.
It took us over 4 hours to get back from Derby yesterday. Upon my arrival home. It became apparent that the kids had gone feral. They looked dirty and had dirty clothes on. I asked if at any point during the day, they had actually cleaned their teeth. They lied through what was remaining of them and said that they had. The boys were on the Xbox. Bella was watching gir…ls doing gymnastics on YouTube. Not to be outdone Dangerous was sporting a jumper that had numerous stains on it.
I would have asked what they had been up to all day but I didn’t need to. They all claimed that they had been to the shops as though they’d had a meeting to come up with a story. Why then is there nothing to eat in the house? The story crumbled and they admitted that they’d only left the house to procure sausage rolls and cheese and onion pasties.
“Will you go and get wine please?” Asked Dangerous.
“What about all the other things that we need such as bread, milk, yogurts, fruit, butter etc?”
“Mmmmm yes you could get that too. Good idea”
Then Dangerous said “behold – I am man. I have sorted tea out. I have ordered pizza”
“Fucking excellent. So I’ve been out all day. You’ve fed them sausage rolls for lunch and pizza for tea. All of you are dirty. Nobody has made their bed or opened their blind. Nobody has brushed their fucking teeth. Everybody has a dirty face and dirty clothes on. The floor needs hoovering and washing. THERE ARE NO BASIC PROVISIONS IN THE HOUSE, THE KIDS ARE WIRED FROM PLAYING ON THE TWATTY XBOX ALL FUCKING DAY AND YOU WANT ME TO RUB YOUR TUMMY AND SAY GOOD BOY BECAUSE YOUVE ORDERED PIZZA FROM PIZZA HUT. I HATE PIZZA HUT. DO YOU HEAR ME. I HATE IT. IT WILL GIVE ME TUMMY ACHE BECAUSE IM VERY FUCKING DELICATE. GOOD GOD YOU ARE A LAZY DICK.”
“I knew that you’d be happy with me darling” he said giving me his best grin.
I have just seen party Debs who I have invited to our house for a barbecue this evening. This is funny because Dangerous hates spontaneity. He looks rather sick now and has blustered about whether the £20 barbecue made it through Storm Doris. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Trousers Zara £12.99 a couple of weeks ago.
Top Zara sale last year. I bought it in 4 colours because I’m greedy
Shoes Zara last week £17.99
Scarf Zara sale last year