We are live from the leisure centre.
Today the little shits have attended their swimming lesson for thirteen of the thirty minutes that I have paid for.
In the changing rooms I hear a nice Daddy with one little boy talking to him animatedly about aliens and all sorts of other amazing things whilst he dries him lovingly. The Daddy is clearly enjoying the man to man bonding stuff with his cute toddler. Drowning out his enchanting story telling is me shouting….
“Don’t look in the mirror, you haven’t got time to preen in the mirror! Don’t put your clothes on the floor, it’s wet and dirty, why have you locked yourself in a cubicle? Put your fucking swimming cap on! Don’t roll your eyes at me! Im Sure that you’ve not brushed your teeth! Hurry up, hurry, HURRY, don’t run, you will fall! Where is your swimming cap? WELL JUST LOOK FOR YOUR SWIMMING COSTUME. ITS IN THE BAG. YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE BAG AND ACTUALLY FUCKING MOVE OTHER THINGS IN ORDER TO FIND IT. IT WONT JUMP OUT MAGICALLY INTO YOUR HAND. Please don’t bottle flip the shampoo because the bottle will break, I said please don’t do that! DONT FLIP THE TWATTING SHAMPOO. WHERE ARE YOUR GOGGLES??? Ewwww I’ve found the underpants that we lost last week. HURRY, Stop looking in the mirror, get off the floor, Quick, Quick. FUCKS SAKE DONT USE YOUR SWIMMING CAP AS A WEAPON. DONT TWAT YOUR BROTHER, WE ARE SO LATE. TWAT HIM AFTERWARFDS!!!
“Yes darling, put your shoes on. What a good boy. Yes that’s right. Shall we sing a song?”
Oh how the mighty have fallen. Yesterday was all show biz and waking up in hotels. Today we are back to wet towels, kid on kid violence and wondering what time it’s ok to have a glass of wine at.