I’m parked on a quiet side street in Hale waiting for the two eldest shits to be tutored in the fine art of passing the entrance exams. Curtains are twitching as the residents wonder if they are about to be done over. My car stands out like a sore thumb in these parts.
I’m not much into cars. If I were to be filthy rich, I’m sure that I’d get s nicer car but cars don’t do it for me. I have tried explaining to Ted about them being a depreciating asset but it doesn’t concern him. He’s still going to buy a Lamborghini when he grows up. I have also tried to explain that they cost about the price of a two bedroom apartment and that he wouldn’t be able to insure it but he barely looked up from “Fortnight”
This car has started to smell rather like the last car. I got rid of the last one because there was an invasive smell that couldn’t be shifted. Despite me cleaning this one and the last out, about once a fortnight, they both smell.
I think that it is the little shits. No amount of Frebreeze or Oust seems to make the car smell nice for more than twenty four hours. It just smells dirty. It smells of dirty little boys.
I’d just like to point out that the boys may well smell bit that’s not for lack of effort on my part.
I make one of them have a shower every day and the other two, every other day. This is a relatively new thing. I have spent the last ten years bending over a bath. My back hurts just thinking about how long I have spent bent over a bath as three squirming little bodies Twatted each other and rubbed shampoo in their eyes.
“Aaaaaaaarrggghhh. It’s in my eyes!”
“Not again, darling. That’s the fifth time this fucking week that you’ve managed to get shampoo in your eyes”
My little darlings never wanted to get in the bath but once in, I couldn’t get the little fuckers out. They would have sat in there for hours if I’d let them with the disgusting mouldy bath toys. When the disgusting mouldy bath toys finally went to the bathroom in the sky, it was a very sad day in our house. This wasn’t all that long ago.
And don’t get me started on the bottles of shampoo that have gone missing to make bubbles!
We actually have old fashioned bars of soap in our home because shower gel would last all of ninety fucking seconds. The problem with the well know brand of soap that I use, is that, it disintegrates if left in water for an hour or so. You will never witness a woman losing her shit quite so convincingly as when I find s bath full of freezing cold water with a blob of something that once was soap but now is like a chemical spill in the bath.
Now, they simply use all the hot water and flood the bathroom floor before emerging without having actually washed themselves. I regularly have to do the scratch and sniff test on the boys and then frogmarch them back in again to wash the chocolate from around their mouths whilst shouting
“Bums, willies, bums willies, get them washed now please. WITH SOAP!”
It’s Thirsty Thursday. The amateur night of midweek drinking but still a special night on the calendar.
Chin chin. Up yer bum.
Necklace – it was from