Hi my name is Totes. I’m like a modern day Nigella but I’m also a parenting guru.
In essence I’m Nigella and the super nanny together but a bit more fashion forward. I’m thinking that you could call me “Super NigeNan” as I’m so sultry and good at cooking but with a hint of being a super parent as well.
Some parents let their cherubs eat processed food. My darlings don’t like fishfingers or McDonald’s. Their tastebuds have advanced so much that I personally think that they might be Michelin star chefs by the time they are 16. They have evolved……
I’m preparing their favourite meal, it’s a fragrant chicken curry with lentils, lemon and spinach. My darlings simply adore spinach and lentils. They appreciate the time that I take to make such nutritious food for them.
My cherubs are well mannered and thoughtful. They flush the toilet and they love being clean. Don’t talk to me about teeth brushing. My darlings have nearly rubbed theirs away with the effort that they put in. The fruit of my loins are kind considerate little things who appreciate how lucky they are to have been blessed with a mother such as me.
I can hear them calling to me now….,
“Oh mummy. We do love you so. What delicious nectar have you prepared for our delight mummy? Mummy have I mentioned how clean the toilet is and how I appreciate that you cleaned it?”
“Oh mummy dearest, do say that we can have an early night tonight as we are a bit tired after working so hard at school as we do want to become well adjusted citizens of the future.
Oh mummy would you like me to pour you a glass of wine? Oooh look Daddy’s home mummy. He worships the ground that you walk on for you are a goddess mummy. Do you hear me mummy? Mummy you are a goddess!”
Oh Fuck another acid flashback. Those purple tablets in the nineties have a fucking lot to answer for………
Did I mention that I grow my own bay leaves?
I’m a fucking goddess…..