Ramblings, What I'm wearing

Hi my name is Totes

Hi my name is Totes

I am forty five years old.

I swear a lot.

I drink a lot.

I like shopping a lot.

I run a lot.

I can’t see very well.

I’ve got fucking massive feet.

I write a blog.

I’ve got three little shits, a husband and a dog.

I suffer from anxiety.

I have taken happy pills. I decided that I didn’t like them in the end but they did help for a while.

Throughout my life, I have overthought things, wondered if people liked me, decided that people didn’t like me, wondered what was wrong with me and kept myself awake at night.

I have had anxious thoughts about all sorts of normal and some very weird and random things. When I haven’t had anything in particular to worry about, I invent scenarios that could happen to torture myself with. The scenarios are things like “what would I do if the house burned down?” “What would I do if one of the kids died?” Horrible, fearful ideas that consumed me.

Before I had kids, I worried that I wouldn’t be able to have kids.

I lose weight at Christmas because the weight of expectation cripples me.

When I start a new job, it takes me about six months to come out of my shell and start speaking to people.

I have drunk too much.
I have cleaned too much.
I have bitten my nails off.

I’ve done all this for so long that I don’t know when it started. I do know that it started when I was very little. I also know that it became really bad after I had my first child. After that, my anxiety reached fever pitch. I went a bit fucking mental at this point. There was nothing that I didn’t worry about.

I have worried that I’m a shit parent.
I have worried that I’m a shit wife.
I have worried that I worry so much.

And I didn’t tell anybody about it. I have recently but I kept it to myself for so fucking long.

And loads of other people have this too. It’s so much more prevalent than people imagine because we all hide it. We keep it within.

I want to a talk last night about “managing anxiety” and the lady that was speaking explained very eloquently that she had all the same anxieties and then some. Her anxiety completely blew mine out of the water. In an anxiety top trumps, she completely fucked me over. Luckily anxiety isn’t a competitive sport as I hate to be found lacking.

The talk lasted two hours and we were encouraged to realise that anxiety is just giving credence to negative thoughts. Anxiety is sort of over thinking bad thoughts that come into everyone’s head. It’s a self fulfilling vicious circle but the cycle can be interrupted.

I’m not doing the subject any justice but I had a lightbulb moment.

When I got home Dangerous asked me where my crystals were and had I found my tarot card deck because that’s my husbands sense of humour.

I have to say that the course was very inexpensive, almost too inexpensive and helped me immeasurably. A lot of what was talked about just made me feel that I wasn’t some fucking psycho and that other people lose weight at Christmas and worry about bizarre things that aren’t likely to happen.

Sarie is ace. She does individual sessions and I’m sure that she’ll be doing another course if we push her into it.

Don’t worry, I got home for Love Island.


Jumpsuit Rew
Trainers Zara
Bangle H&M

Shorts H&M
Top Stella McCartney for Adidas.

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