Going on holiday for the over forty fives.
I used to laugh inordinately at a work colleague who was around fifteen years my senior. She had a list of things to do before she went on her annual holiday. I laughed because I found her list a tad ridiculous. Surely the only things that you need to do before leaving for a holiday are;
Get the hedge clippers on the bikini line.
Buy loads of books, makeup, new clothes etcetera.
Mainline some milk thistle to prepare the body. Oh okay, I’m lying,I’ve never done it but I’ve heard of it.
See if you can secure the contact details of a reputable dealer in the resort that you are visiting.
Upon leaving Home, turn the water off, if you remember but fuck it if you don’t because that’s what insurance is for!
Whilst Helen (my former work colleagues) was very worldly wise, she had no crotchfruit.
I have taken her list and I have added to it as I have many crotch fruit
Get the kids hair cut, make them take off any disgusting fake tattoos that they might have placed on any part of their body, make them take off chipped nail polish and clean the black stuff from down their nails with an actual nail brush.
Once the little shits are clean, have a laundry amnesty whereupon you encourage them to hand over their favourite filthy clothes without fear of reprisals so that you can make them clean, ironed and smelling nice for the forthcoming holiday. Unfortunately they will not take this olive branch in the way in which it was intended. They will try to hand over two items and then unfortunately (for them) there will be fucking reprisals. Shit will be lost whilst pulling out filthy clothes from wardrobes where it has been stuffed, mixed in with clean and ironed clothes. Occasionally you will stop losing your shit and look in wide eyed wonder at the piles of brand new clean clothes that the three little shits have failed to wear whilst their favoured clothes which are cropped tops and skin tight denim hot pants for girls and hideous skank drug dealer clothes for boys are tattered and stained.
Seventy two hours of laundry will then commence. This will be undertaken in between fits of snarling whilst drinking copious amounts of alcohol.
As you are packing, take this opportunity to pack all the tasteful clothes that your children own giving them no opportunity to wear their usual “skank- drug dealer”type shit.
Don’t forget to put all their white trainers/converse/ anything that’s not leather shoes in the washing machine.
Shave legs, bikini line and under arms. Never use any of the epilator creams as you don’t want to be walking like you’ve had a Forrest fire down there. I once burned myself so badly with some Veet that I spent an entire two week holiday in shorts after I’d spoken to the pharmacist in Boots and they’d urged me to attend A&E with my second degree burns. You’d have thought that the pubes would never have grown again but the stubble appeared before the scabs had dropped off.
Put copious amounts of gradual self tanner on your legs.
Here is the stuff that only people of a certain age will get;
Change bed sheets so that they are clean for when you get home. I can’t begin to tell you, the pleasure that this brought me. Judge lest ye be judged too.
Move all those house plants into the shade and water them.
Move all garden containers into the shade and drench them. Consider asking a neighbour to water the garden but then remember that most of them don’t like you as your husband uses the communal bins in a way that they weren’t designed for.
Empty all bins.
Put the blue bin out for next Thursday – fucking genius!
Clean all toilets and put the lid down.
Turn the water off
Unplug everything in case of lightning strike.
You will have already cleaned the car out despite swearing that you wouldn’t.
Now teach the little shits the answers to your questions about correct car procedure
You will shout “WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU LEAVE RUBBISH IN THE CAR?”
You shout “HOW?”
“YOU WILL HUNT US DOWN LIKE LOW DOWN DIRTY DOGS MUMMY!”
And you say
“That is correct!”
You are so very welcome.
I’m sure that I’ve forgotten some very important stuff but at least we are now on holiday. It will take the holiday for me to get over the preparation for the holiday.