Dear Totes

I said a few outlandish things and people raised their eyebrows

Dear Totes

I’m not sure where to begin as I have such a big problem but here goes……

I have made a living for quite some time now as a brash opinionated journalist, TV personality and broadcaster. The thing is this……it’s making me really unhappy. I wanted to be liked, not vilified but I’m sure that nobody likes me any more.

It started off so innocently. I said a few outlandish things and people raised their eyebrows. Soon this wasn’t enough. I craved more and more attention and so as one does, I began to raise the stakes. I particularly enjoyed being unkind to my fellow women, people who I saw as being in a lower class to myself and anybody holding religious views. To be fair, I’ll pretty much belittle anybody to further my career. Ooooh I forgot to mention that I really dislike fat people and obviously people who name their children in a way that I don’t see fit.

I have had particular problems with being sued but I made light of this. Now I think that it might be getting me down.

Anyway Totes. Let’s not dwell on all that shit because to be frank, I don’t actually give that much of a fuck, here is my actual problem.
How the fuck can I make myself look less middle aged whilst I’m being a vicious bitch to any fucker that takes my fancy? You’re a fashion forward bitch. What do you think?

Thanks Totes – love Hatie

Dear Hatie

You mentioned in your longer letter that you are quite scrawny. Perhaps it’s time to put some weight on as it will make you look less severe. Can I suggest that you start with a fuck off large glass of wine and continue to drink every other day because you need to chill the fuck out. You could try eating a bit as well, then you wouldn’t have low blood sugar and always be so foul to people.
Also if you stop being mean to everybody perhaps your mouth would look nicer as it wouldn’t always be saying poisonous things.

Let’s throw out your frankly dubious wardrobe and start again.

And just think before you open your gob. It’s not hard. Count to 10 for fucks sake before you say anything and read things before you send them to your editor.
Nobody likes the mean girl and I think that underneath there’s a nice girl screaming to get out.

Let’s do Zara. You need a sharper image and a softer mouth.

You need less cardigans and you are too old for bodycon dresses.

Also we can do the sale rail in H&M as I know that you’re on a budget now with all the damages and shit.

Well done for taking the first step Hatie. I see a brighter future now that you have seen the error of your ways.


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