Fuck me, the last few weeks outfits look like a rainbow!

Fuck me, the last few weeks outfits look like a rainbow! I don’t like to blend in to the background – that’s too boring!

I’m only forty five. I can wear safe, tasteful stuff when I’ve gown up…

That’ll be when I’m in the cheap nursing home because I’ve squandered all my money on clothes and gin.

It’s mainly high street stuff from the sales with a bit of Zara and Warehouse thrown in and tons of Rew.

Rew is a great little independent British label designed by Rachel Medicott. They make limited editions of coats, scarves, jumpsuits, tops and dresses. The really good thing about them is that they fit most people. They fit you regardless of if you’ve eaten a bit too much cake and drunk too much wine.

The other great thing is that you aren’t overly likely to bump into anyone wearing the same thing unless we have a Fashion Forward Bitch convention or you come to a party at Totes Towers.

Anybody can rock a scarf, especially me!

Keeping it in the family, Rachel’s daughter has a great accessories Website

I do have a discount code, if you wish to peruse the Rew website.

As a one off – 15% off for first time customers with FFB or if you’ve already bought from them you can use FFBJU10 for June.



So here’s the thing. I love a bit of Zara and H&M

So here’s the thing. I love a bit of Zara and H&M. We all know that I’m partial to Marks&Spencers but these are all gigantic companies making gargantuan profits. They have their place but with Brexit looming and the high street dying before our eyes, I’m thinking that it’s best to buy British. Better still, it’s best to spend your money with little independent designers who make limited amounts of items so that you won’t bump into anybody wearing the same as you.

I’m still hoping that Brexit will die a horrible death. I’m still willing our sleepwalking country to wake up before it’s too late.

I won’t be buying anything for a long time as the washing machine took its last gasp today. It’s going to the scrapyard in the sky tomorrow. Ted has also bled all over the landing carpet with two unprecedented nosebleeds. I have done all that I can but the carpet still looks like someone has been murdered there. I can’t imagine how anyone cleans up a real crime scene.

And back to buying British because you’ll probably have to in future. The dress is by Rew and the top is by Rew.

Rew is a small, independent, fashion label that makes unique, utterly cool shit.


It’s miserable Monday

It’s miserable Monday.

Day two of my self imposed sobriety due to my eating and drinking like an alcoholic great white shark on a feeding frenzy last week.

I got on and off the scales twenty seven times this morning and the six pounds that I have accidental gained are still there. Miserable fuckers.

It’s impossible to lose six pounds in a week, so how did I put six pounds on. That’s 18,000 extra calories. I’m sure that I didn’t consume that many extra.

Unfortunately my good work with the none drinking on Sunday has come undone. I found a massive Toblerone in the fridge. The Easter bunny brought three Toblerones for the three little shits which is funny because my three little shits don’t like Toblerone. It’s almost like the Easter bunny brought them for the alcoholic great white shark that’s rather fond of Toblerone. The chocolate bar was so big that, when I put the triangle shape of chocolate in my mouth, it was hard to shut my mouth. It sort of hurt the roof of my mouth.

Toblerone really need to sort their shit out. They could injure someone with the size and shape of their chocolate.I could come and do some consultancy work for them on the size of their pieces.

Dress Asos White

Very fetching sandals in city blue to celebrate their winning of something inconsequential – Doc Martens from TK Maxx £30

Totes is available for weight gaining tips.
There are so few people out there that do it as well.

Weight loss gurus are ten a penny! Every fucker is trying to be a weight loss guru.

Are you an actress looking to put weight on for a role? Need to gain a stone in a week? I’m your bitch!

I’m a football widow again.

I’m a football widow again.

Dangerous lied on Saturday about my having control of the remote control for the week. I haven’t even seen it.

Luckily my Zara order has turned up and everything fits.

What do we think to Zara’s “mom jeans”?

I’m wearing them but they aren’t the ones that I wanted.

I kept seeing a pair that I wanted when I was looking online. They were a similar shape but had gigantic turn ups. When I looked at an outfit that had them, it said that these were them. They aren’t but I do like these.

Has anybody else seen any really dark indigo high waisted jeans with massive turn ups?

I’ve had a shit day but I’ve pulled it around.

I’ve had a shit day but I’ve pulled it around.

You’d think that I’d learn that putting yourself out there can result in people thinking that they can write whatever they like about you.
So I woke up to this comment from somebody who has taken offence at a post being deleted from somebody saying that they were leaving the “fashion forward bitch” group. The woman in question refers to my post last week when I
Mentioned how anxious I was at leaving work to write a book and try and make a go of blogging.

Now, there’s some things that I will tolerate and some things that are just below the belt.

I won’t tolerate people throwing my being honest in my face and I won’t tolerate people saying that my parenting is lacking because I swear and have the odd glass of wine.

I can take people saying that my clothes are horrible and I can take on board that some people will have a completely different view point from me. I can take banter but this comment is just vicious and goes for the jugular. As I said, you’d think that I’d get used to it but I’ve no idea why somebody would stoop quite so low as to mock somebody when they’ve mentioned that they are really worried about something.

“Hey I see your vulnerability and I’m going to use it against you!”

This is over a post being deleted on a fashion page…….I still don’t get that people don’t think before they write the most horrible things on social media!

And it’s not just me. A poor lady who had her shop burgled the night before put a video out on Facebook showing her shop with no stock in it. In the video, she cries. Her shop had only been open three months. The rails are empty…..some dickhead comments “she’s lying. That’s fake, it’s an insurance job!” WTF! Why? I can’t comprehend why somebody would say that to anybody, never mind a local
Woman who’s just lost her livelihood.

I got over it by starting my Xmas shopping in TK Maxx. Whilst there I took a phone call from a delightful man called David. David is an admin on this page because he’s a social media and digital marketing clever clogs. This is how he makes his living. Occasionally he’s looked at things for me because I’m a Luddite and he’s very kind.

You won’t guess the conversation…..

David “so yeah I’m locked out of Facebook and Messenger! It’s something to do with Facebooks community standards and a post that you did. It’s asking me if I want to delete your page!”

Me “oooooooh David I’m so sorry. That would be because I posted a picture of a man wearing a kilt whilst bending down last night! It was for Sunday Night Slut. You could only see his cock a little bit! I mean it wasn’t full on nudity. There was just a hint of a knob skulking beneath the kilt. I didn’t realise that a hint of a flaccid cock would get my post thrown off. It was so innocuous that I found it on google images on the first page when I searched for hot men in kilts. Sorry David
I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise that you’d be thrown out too. Sorry…..”

“AaaAaaah well never mind. At least I can tell all my clients that I’ve been thrown off Facebook for posting dick pictures now!”

“Sorry David” I muttered as I realised that every person doing their Christmas shopping on my aisle was listening to my story of kilts, cocks and Sunday night slut!

I got some very odd looks as I picked up a Christmas jumper for Trevor the Thug Pug.
No doubt they wondered what the little knitted jacket was for…perhaps a willy warmer for a man wearing a kilt.

I have removed the woman’s name from the picture so as to hide her identity. I’ve no idea why. I’m still cross with the bitch.

New faux shearling jacket from Edit in Hale – bloody full price £68

Skirt and polo both from Zara recently £19.99 each and boots Zara too.

I am thinking of starting another group for people who like fashion, booze and swearing.

I am thinking of starting another group for people who like fashion, booze and swearing.
Let me think…..what about “The fashion forward bitch” as a name.
We could swap tips on sales and give each other fashion advice. We could let little individual retailers advertise.
Oooooh we could swap clothes. It would be ace. What do you think?

I’m also considering starting a petition so that Kate gets to have a drink at the wedding. Surely they could wait a bit longer. She won’t be able to breakdance at the reception. Poor Kate, three little shits – just like me. She’ll be swearing like a navi and drinking gin to get through it.

Trevor has a jumper on. He’s ecstatic. Dangerous will be cross that his boy looks like a baby.

Dress H&M ages ago £15
Coat whistles ages ago and Dangerous bought it with no help so I’ve no idea on price
Boots Zara last week £39.99

Nailed every last mother fucking one of them this month alone!

Nailed every last mother fucking one of them this month alone!

Seriously though, what sort of misogynistic twat writes this stuff?

Maybe we should beat the writer of this drivel to death with our confiscated wedges….do you think it’s going too far to suggest that we could strangle them with some tights?

In this day and age, you shouldn’t be able to get away with writing utter shite like this

In this day and age, you shouldn’t be able to get away with writing utter shite like this. A list of things that make a woman look older……

I think that I’ve nailed every single supposed faux pas in the last month.

I almost feel bad for passing this on. Please rest assured that it’s just for laughs.

I wonder what the writer of this piece would make of my wardrobe? Maybe we could beat them to death with some wedges that we aren’t allowed to wear, along with active wear, short skirts and jewellery.

The mind boggles at what sort of fuckwit misogynistic twat thought that they could write this…..