Multiple chins? I have deleted the offending photos as it’s just not true

What I’m wearing…

Sports tights from H&M – £19.99

Flip Belt – Amazon

All the gear and no idea.

This girl can. She really can even when she’s poorly and I am poorly. Did I mention how poorly I am?

Today I have played snap with the boys, taken the three little shits to swimming lessons, taken Bella to gymnastics and done a quick run whilst she was there. I managed 5.5 miles running 9 minute miles (which is bloody marvellous with a virus).

Dangerous has gone out galavanting. I say galavanting but what I mean is that he’s out on the piss. Whilst he has been gone I have decorated Bella’s bedroom and then made meatballs from scratch. I AM FUCKING AWESOME. (Gaga and Bella helped with the decorating).

I’m now having a little bottle of wine to celebrate my work ethic.

I’d be slim if I gave up the booze but that wouldn’t be fair to the world if i were even more perfect.

I got some new running kit. It’s very Stella McCartney for Adidas but it’s From H and M.

God bless H and M for their very fashion forward, good quality but cheap running kit.

I’ve also got an ace new running belt that actually fits my phone in. I took selfies of myself running through Tatton Park in just a vest but on inspecting the photos it appears that I have multiple chins. I have deleted the offending photos as it’s just not true.

The camera does lie.

Darling, I shout at you because that is the only time that you listen to me

What I’m wearing…

All items from Zara apart from M and S snood £5 and boots from Shoetique.

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I’ve cheered up a bit despite my stinking cold, broken tumble drier, chipped tooth and children that fail to respond to any requests until I get to defcon 1. At this point they cry and ask me why I am shouting at them.

“Darling, I shout at you because that is the only time that you listen to me. Do you have your coat and shoes on? No you don’t so that’s why I’m shouting.”

“But mummy, mummy I need to tell you about the rat and the dragon and the Ox. So god decided to have a race…”

“You don’t know that story properly. I will tell mummy the story.”

“Waaaaaagggghhh. He has punched me.”

“AaaaGghhhhhh. He has punched and kicked me.”

“Right AT LEAST PUT YOUR COATS ON WHIST YOU ARE PUNCHING EACH OTHER AND DON’T GET ANY BLOODY BLOOD ON YOUR COATS”

“Mummy you swore. That’s naughty. You said Bloody. BLOODY, BLOODY, BLOODY.”

Meanwhile Ted is singing.

“Mary’s boy child JESUS CHRIST.”

He sings the first bit and then says “Jesus Christ” in a very blasphemous way.

God knows where they get it from…

Excuse the pun but the queue to get into messy play was biblical

What I’m wearing…

The cheap and cheerful bargain Zara Parka is out again – £19.99
Dress from the Zara sale – £10
Trainers from Adidas – £30

We are live from Wythenshawe Park. We have already crammed in a visit to messy play at the Methodist church where Ted came over all atheist and refused to colour in any religious scenes or chalk crosses.

Excuse the pun but the queue to get into messy play was biblical. In scenes not played out since the Hacienda days, it took us 45 minutes to get in. I thought that they would say it was full by the time that we got to the front.

As it is Oscar’s birthday we have been to McDonald’s and now my darlings are busy getting filthy with no coats on despite freezing temperatures. We are in the playground. They didn’t want to come but now I’m freezing, they won’t leave.

An eerie silence has descended over the house

Helicopter suspended.

I have appalled my children by saying that I’m not prepared to chase around after them all morning shouting instructions that they ignore. I have decreed that they may go to school dirty, without their teeth brushed and with no fresh water in their school bottles if they decide that this is what they want to do.

I will not make their beds or open their blinds and so if they choose to leave them, then they will come home to their room in the same state as they left it. They don’t need a drink before they leave.

It is fucking killing me.

I am one of those helicopter-type parents that runs around screaming orders, being ignored and so then doing whatever needs doing for said child. My two youngest will not even get dressed without me barking orders and then eventually dressing them myself.

An eerie silence has descended over the house.

Ted is weeping as he says that he doesn’t think I love him if I don’t dress him. Ted is very good at emotional blackmail. I still wipe his bum for him as it is a law of our house that he shall never wipe his own bum.

Late as always and anxious due to having agreed to go on BBC breakfast

Late as always and anxious due to having agreed to go on BBC breakfast on Tuesday morning to talk about parenting styles. I’m not sure that I’ve actually got a style and I’m certain that it couldn’t be described in one word if I had one.

I have been having anxiety dreams that I’m driving home from school drop off and it’s snowed. I can’t control the car and I keep smashing into parked cars and walls whilst shouting “aaaaaagghhh bollocks, shit arrggggghhh”

I’m not sure that the BBC know what they’ve let themselves in for but I’m hoping that after I have been sat on the sofa they will insist that I don’t go back to work and that I meet the big boss so that they can talk about a new and exciting career with the BBC with me.

“Darling you are wasted as an estate agent. We can make you a star. We’d like you to take over Homes under the Hammer. It’s lost its way a bit and can you manage the One Show with your responsibilities as a parent?”

And what will I wear?????

Aaaaaarrrggh I’m a vain shallow cow who’s just agreed to talk about the Dutch way of parenting versus the British way. I know nothing of these matters. WHY OH WHY HAVE I AGREED TO THIS?

Oooooh but maybe I will become new best friends with Steph……….

Dress Asos £20
Shoes clarks £20
Coat Zara sale £49
Hair Paul Knights hair spa