We are live from the Leisure Centre……..and Dangerous is with me

We are live from the leisure centre. We are only slightly hungover and get this……..Dangerous is with me.

It took us over 4 hours to get back from Derby yesterday. Upon my arrival home. It became apparent that the kids had gone feral. They looked dirty and had dirty clothes on. I asked if at any point during the day, they had actually cleaned their teeth. They lied through what was remaining of them and said that they had. The boys were on the Xbox. Bella was watching girls doing gymnastics on YouTube. Not to be outdone Dangerous was sporting a jumper that had numerous stains on it.
I would have asked what they had been up to all day but I didn’t need to. They all claimed that they had been to the shops as though they’d had a meeting to come up with a story. Why then is there nothing to eat in the house? The story crumbled and they admitted that they’d only left the house to procure sausage rolls and cheese and onion pasties.

“Will you go and get wine please?” Asked Dangerous.

“What about all the other things that we need such as bread, milk, yogurts, fruit, butter etc?”

“Mmmmm yes you could get that too. Good idea”

Then Dangerous said “behold – I am man. I have sorted tea out. I have ordered pizza”

“Fucking excellent. So I’ve been out all day. You’ve fed them sausage rolls for lunch and pizza for tea. All of you are dirty. Nobody has made their bed or opened their blind. Nobody has brushed their fucking teeth. Everybody has a dirty face and dirty clothes on. The floor needs hoovering and washing. THERE ARE NO BASIC PROVISIONS IN THE HOUSE, THE KIDS ARE WIRED FROM PLAYING ON THE TWATTY XBOX ALL FUCKING DAY AND YOU WANT ME TO RUB YOUR TUMMY AND SAY GOOD BOY BECAUSE YOUVE ORDERED PIZZA FROM PIZZA HUT. I HATE PIZZA HUT. DO YOU HEAR ME. I HATE IT. IT WILL GIVE ME TUMMY ACHE BECAUSE IM VERY FUCKING DELICATE. GOOD GOD YOU ARE A LAZY DICK.”

“I knew that you’d be happy with me darling” he said giving me his best grin.

I have just seen party Debs who I have invited to our house for a barbecue this evening. This is funny because Dangerous hates spontaneity. He looks rather sick now and has blustered about whether the £20 barbecue made it through Storm Doris. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Trousers Zara £12.99 a couple of weeks ago.
Top Zara sale last year. I bought it in 4 colours because I’m greedy
Shoes Zara last week £17.99
Scarf Zara sale last year

Good morning live from the leisure centre

Good morning live from the leisure centre.

I have Juju in tow today though so all is well with the world. We were on time and only arrived with a minor hangover.

Yesterday was a Totes and Juju day. We gallivanted around the Trafford centre after I had been running with my bitches. In fact yesterday was just an ace day
We got ding curry from Marks and Spensive for tea and then we went to a secret party.

Marks and Spensive has a sale on. I love the sale…..I got this new shirt dress. It’s absolutely rocking and a bargain at £23.http://fave.co/2mToYCp

What happens at secret party stays at secret party – ahhhhh bugger that, I will tell you. I’m shit at secrets.
All the naughty ladies had Botox. I wouldn’t do that because I am a natural beauty…….

What do you mean, you can see a bruise near my eye?

And poor Mark, the hostesses husband was charged with taking me home.

“Ooooooh Sarah, can I shag him on the way home?” Who’d have me as a friend? The poor bastard hadn’t even had a drink to dull the pain.

It’s cat jumper time… which means that Totes isn’t happy with Dangerous

What I’m wearing…

Cat jumper (everyone needs one) – £7 from H&M
Jacket from Zara in the sale – £19.99
Jeans in the Gap sale – £11
Boots from M&S

We are live from the leisure centre. We were only two minutes late prompting a high five from Sue…..

Wait for it… I have no hangover. I’m so ill that I can’t face booze. I had one gin and tonic and a small glass of wine and then couldn’t face any more.

I believe that humans are 88% salt water. I have evolved – I am super human. I am not salt water, I am equal parts catarrh and mucus, 44% green gunk and another 44% just normal snot. If I was a super hero, I’d be snot girl complete with green outfit and a weapons arsenal that included snotty tissues that I could fire like bullets at my foes. If somebody were making a hasty getaway I could sneeze over them thus rendering them stuck and helpless in a glaze of sticky green slime.

My deafness has reached new levels too. It is now so profound that I’m having to lip read. We watched “I, Daniel Blake” last night. By the end of the film the neighbours were banging on the door asking us to turn the volume down on the 52-inch fuck off massive telly. The door opened slightly and they were greeted by a pile of green oozing slime that seemed to be sobbing. The sobbing had started 20 minutes from the end of the film when i started exclaiming “he’s going to die isn’t he?” And demanding tissues. Dangerous’s stoic approach to this was to drink himself into a coma.

Dangerous arose this morning to cat jumper. I carefully explained to him so that he fully understood the full implications of cat jumper. Cat jumper means that Totes isn’t happy with Dangerous. Cat jumper is two fingers up to Dangerous. Cat jumper means that Dangerous has had too long a lie in and he better pull himself together and get on with it now.

Dangerous professed that he hadn’t understood the full implications of cat jumper. He thought that I was just doing kooky.

At this point I did the fuck off dance. This is a contemporary dance in which I jump up and down whilst giving him the two-fingered salute with both hands.

Later I’m hoping for a run in my new running kit whilst Bella is at gymnastics. This is the only thing that seems to help my malaise, that and steaming my head over a vat of Olbas oil.

Please be in your running kit Georgie. I need your participation in my “new running kit special”. Running just isn’t as much fun without somebody to whinge at.

I am grumpy… this is a short one

What I’m wearing…

Jacket from Zara in the sale – £19.99
Top from Zara in the sale – £5.99
Jeans from H&M – £14.99
Bag from Marc Jacobs – £66
Shoes from Zara sale last summer – £5

We are live from the leisure centre.

I am a grumpy old bitch.

We were late.

I am only slightly hungover.

I have very little battery on my phone so this is a very short post.

At precisely 6.00 two of the little darlings demanded the customary game of I spy in the dark

What I’m wearing…

Jacket from the Zara sale – £19.99
Boots the best bargain from Laundry yesterday. £10 so I bought them in two colours.
Jeans from Zara – £29.99
Top from H&M – £5
Bag from Mulberry – £280

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Good morning, live from the leisure centre.

We were late. This goes without saying. Perhaps I should mention when we are on time.

I found a spoon in my handbag this morning. It must have been from the restaurant last night. I’m oblivious as to why it’s there. I did my let’s get drunk and then fall asleep thing. There are two outcomes to my adventures with alcohol. One ends with sleep, usually at the dinner table. The other ends with mayhem.

I was awoken at 5.00 by needing to wee. I don’t sleep very well when I’ve had one too many and so I listened to Dangerous snoring for an hour whilst being in desperate need of fluids but being too lazy to get up. At precisely 6.00 two of the little darlings demanded the customary game of I spy in the dark.

The rules to this game are many and varied.

The object can be anything. You don’t have to be able to see it. It doesn’t necessarily have to start with the letter that has been decided upon.

“Something beginning with d.”

“Dark.”

“No.”

“Dummy, dog, dinosaur.”

“Do you give in?”

“Yes what is it?

“Jay from ninjago.”

“Why didn’t I get that one? I am so stupid.”

“Yes you are stupid. You never guess them.”

Donald Trump should reconsider his options for torturing suspects. Water boarding is old school. All the best dictators are now into swimming caps. An effective torturer just needs to procure some none talcum powdered swimming caps that are a bit stuck together.

“You want some more?”

“Aaaaaaggghhhhhhh aggghhhhhhh no I’ll tell you anything you American bastard. Just stop with the hat.

Later we are going to bake with Juju. This will be a very jolly thing to do. I can’t see what could go wrong at all. Three children, eggs, flour, butter and chocolate. I’d better check that our insurance is up to date.

Oooooh and Ted got up this morning and said that he wants to go shopping for a new hat. Ted is definitely my child. A 5 year old that wants a new hat is just a perfect child for a woman like me. I think that he might be conning me so that we go past the toy shop but I’m still so very proud of the cunning little darling.