Good morning – we are live from the leisure centre

Good morning – we are live from the leisure centre. I am only slightly hungover because I am not the sort of person who gets uncontrollably pissed. I am a well balanced and totally in control type who goes out and only has three gin and tonics. They were doubles but my new mantra is moderation. FFS – who am I trying to kid? I’m still in the denial stages about my disgraceful behaviour at Sharon Middle Aged’s barbecue last week.

We were on time today for our lesson, however this is only due to the fact that Oscar has moved up a stage and his lesson time has changed. How was I supposed to be aware of this?

We now don’t have to be at the leisure until 9.00am hooray!

I have left Dangerous at home with strict instructions about how I’m to find the house when I get home. I don’t know why I bother.

Our first argument of the weekend has already occurred. At 7.46am Dangerous looked like he was sorting a basket of clean laundry. It was the basket that I use for things that don’t need ironing

“Aawwwww look, what a gentleman I have as a husband. He’s going to sort everybody’s socks and undies out. What a good catch. I am such a lucky cow. The gods were truly looking down on me the day that I married that special man!”

He rooted though the overflowing basket and went upstairs with his own socks and underpants, leaving Thug Pug free reign on the remains. Thug Pug scampered off happily with a pair of boys underpants and came back for some socks.

I followed him upstairs

“Are you fucking joking? That’s grounds for divorce you miserable bastard! Why would you think that it’s acceptable to just put your own away?”

“I was just being helpful, my little pit viper!”

“You are fucking dead, DEAD do you hear me if i get back and this house is a shit hole and you are reclining in the motherfucking leather chair! DEAD, DEAD, DEAD. Do you hear me? I’m taking your children to swimming lessons and you had better take Thug Pug for a walk and do something helpful. I don’t ask for much. Just do a couple of things to make me less likely to self combust when I get home please”

“And you’d better try and put some other peoples socks away you selfish twat”

“Yes my darling little Rottweiler “

“And stop calling me hilariously funny animals or I’ll stab you with a fork before I kill you”

Next Altrincham to procure a present for Teds friends party and gymnastics.

Bella needs new shoes. She claims that hers don’t fit. I think that they all need new shoes but they all act like really special arseholes in Clarks.

I need to buy the three little shits new goggles.

I need to oil the decking with the Fifty fucking quid oil that I bought yesterday.

I need to take ten tonnes of shoes to the charity shop. I have three pairs of Dangerous’s shoes that need mending but the cobbler in broad Heath isn’t there any more. There was a sign in the empty shop to go around the back and go in the gate. The man that lived there explained that this was an instruction to the post man – not to middle aged women clueless women carrying bags of shoes.

I have been humming “grounds for divorce” be Elbow all morning.

Coat £19.99 Zara sale
Jeans £9.99 Zara sale
Top £5 H&M

We are live from the leisure centre. We were late as always.

We are live from the leisure centre. We were late as always.

This morning I’m a grumpy old bitch. I keep singing the troll song from Dora the explorer. I have too much to do. I need to clone myself. I reckon that if there were 4 or 5 of me that I might be able to get all my shit jobs done.
I can’t stand the house being dirty and untidy. It is both. I have work to do that I cant see a window of opportunity to get done. It’s all pressing in on me and making me anxious. Dangerous shakes his head repeatedly and says “that time of the month again?” I reply “You said that last week, the week before and the week before that, you tosser”

Today we have swimming lessons at 8.30 and 9.00. I need to pick Bella up from a sleepover, I then need to get three children to Tuition. Oscar needs new school shoes as his have actually worn through. Bella has to be in Knutsford for 12.00 to attend gymnastics. I need to procure cleaning products, kitchen roll and toothpaste from the bargain shop. We are going through a fucking lot of cleaning products at the moment with Trevor the Thug Pug having his pissing competition. Yesterday we also had Shitgate. Nobody is ever allowed to mention again about the trail of shit from the front of the house to the back lest I actually start rocking backward and forwards like Arthur Fowler in Eastenders. Speaking of which, Dangerous is walking him this morning and then we will have to pick him up as we can’t leave him on his own for above a couple of hours.

I have left Dangerous with strict instruction on taking him for a decent walk this morning before he leaves for work.

Nana and Gaga are coming this afternoon, I need a present for a birthday party for tomorrow, I’m trying to purchase a flat on behalf of a client through an online estate agent with a vendor that seems to take 5 days to mull over every offer and in the meantime is demolishing the property and apparently redecorating it but really badly. Since the first time I viewed it, he has taken half the kitchen out and a couple of heaters. This needs sorting and then at 4.00 we are driving to Leeds to a party at my sisters house. I’m taking Juju with me and then dropping her at home In deepest, darkest Huddersfield. This journey will be undertaken in the dirtiest and smelliest Nissan in England.

I can’t even run to take the edge off as my leg is fucked.

Aaaaah well at least Oscar and Ted have both moved up levels in swimming. They can now look as though they are drowning in different coloured hats.

Fuck this shit

For the first time in weeks we are live from the leisure centre

For the first time in weeks we are live from the leisure centre. We were late after taking the Thug for a walk. One of the little shits was in tears as they didn’t want to come. I have had to do the walk of shame down the poolside with a crying child whist wearing my socks and pulling the unwilling child who has tried every bastard trick in the book to avoid this lesson. Eventually the child admitted that everything that they had said this morning had been a lie and that they just can’t do the breathing.

“I know darling. I’m super bloody clever. I will speak to your teacher”

The child was then embarrassed that I was speaking to the teacher and cried harder.

On the walk with the Thug, Dangerous phoned to say that his weekend in Spain is going excellently. They retired at 4.00 and were back on their way to the Irish sports bar at 8.30am. They had been for a swim at 2.30am. Having stayed at the same place (Sharon middle aged Spanish dream house) I think that the neighbours will probably getting a lynch mob together for this behaviour. This is of little importance to our menfolk as the neighbours are predominantly over 70 and they’ll struggle to find them as the will probably spend the next 18 hours in the pub. I’m fairly sure that he will be broken and in tears on Sunday night too.

I have only just unpacked my case from my weekend away. I hate unpacking. It can fuck off.

Having had 4 days away, it would seem that there is at least 23 loads of washing to do and 15 hours of ironing. I can’t even wiron as I don’t like to get tipsy when I’m solely in charge of the household. Last night I had 1 and a half glasses of wine and went to bed at 10.00 after checking and rechecking the doors and little shits. Trevor and I watched Glastonbury

Next up is extra tuition or children’s prison followed by gymnastics. Nana and Gaga are going to come over to look after the boys so if I get my running stuff on quickly I’ll be able to sneak a run in whilst Bella’s at gymnastics.

Living the dream.

Skirt Zara sale this week £19.99. I like it so much that I’ve got it in 2 colours.
Top Zara sale last year £7.99. I’ve got it in 4 colours
Boots Clarks £20
Bag H&M Kenzo
Necklace H&M 5 euros in Spain,

We are live from the leisure centre

We are live from the leisure centre. We were on time. I am not hungover but all the other mummies are. I was invited out last night but as i am occasionally clever. I didn’t go. I thought that I’d miss something but I wasn’t there to lead everybody astray so it would seem that they had a nice time but there were no incidents.

It’s my marathon tomorrow. Aaaarrrrhhhh. Watch out Liverpool. I’m going to sweat all over your streets whilst complaining loudly that 26.2 miles is a ridiculous distance to run and how dare there be actual fucking hills in Liverpool?

Skirt Boden ages ago
T shirt Zara last week £12.99
Bag Mulberry £85 when it was worth going to the outlet.


We are live from the leisure centre

We are live from the leisure centre. We were on time and no hangover. I didn’t even finish the large glass of wine last night because I am the most sober and straight laced person that I know. Oh ok – I’m a liar. I fell asleep.

Dangerous has come with me to swimming lessons so no doubt he will think that it is his doing that we were on time. He had a leisurely Coffee whilst I washed the floor, made breakfast, got the washing out and put more in. Somehow when he is there though, the little shits act less like little shits. They get in the car without punching each other and crying. There isn’t a massive stand off over who gets to sit in the front because Dangerous is sitting there.

I’m off out gallivanting today with the school mummies. We are going to Chester to have afternoon tea and shop. I very rarely shop with other people as I’m a professional and friends put me off my stride. It’s like I can’t show the true nature of my greed. Maybe it’s that or maybe I never see a good sale rail when I’m with other people.

So Dangerous is home alone with the little shits all day or rather he’s taking them to all their extra curricular activities. When I get on the train he will have to manhandle them into tuition and then afterwards drive them all the Knutsford so that he can sit in a car park with two boys whilst waiting for Bella who’s attending gymnastics.

I have left strict instructions with all concerned that they are not to eat anything in the smelly Nissan as I cleaned it out yesterday. The floor was 2 inches deep in dirt, sweet wrappers, crumbs, parking tickets, bits of lego and lizard cards. There was a sweet stuck to the upholstery that was in turn glued to a booster seat. I swear to god that somebody had taken it out of their mouth and then abandoned it under the seat. Somebody had also emptied a container of PVA glue in the door bottle holder. I found all the missing school issue water bottles under the seats so happy fucking days. Upon emptying one of them I became worried about just how long it had actually been there to actually smell of rotting eggs. Is it safe to reuse a bottle that possibly contained life in the form of bacteria?

I have of course been to the supermarket so that there is plenty of food for my family when I’m out of the house. It would be cruel of me to not have provided for them. I’ve just overheard Dangerous asking the little shits which sort of takeaway they fancy for tea despite me showing him the full fridge of nutrient rich ingredients.

When I get back, the house will be sort of tidy but filthy. The second load of washing will be festering in the washer. Dangerous will tell me that it has been a walk in the park, the children are angels and “look at the house – it’s fucking mint!”

Dangerous has been very sweet though and sent a child to give me a handful of cash to spend on my day out so I suppose that I can’t even moan about the rotting EU surplus of healthy food in the fridge.

Dress Warehouse £30
Boots Zara £29.99
Bag Marc Jacobs £66

We are live from the leisure centre

We are live from the leisure centre. We were very noticeably late. I am as always hungover however this mornings hangover is particularly unfair as I only had three little glasses of wine at tea time. I have the most truly hideous tummy ache brought on by the Marks
& Spensive curry consumed last night. I have done some truly spectacular snarling at the three little shits and Dangerous this morning.

Oscar is in the shower boring one of his friends father to death about Clash Royal. The father is trying his best but I can see that he’s dying inside whilst trying to wash a squirmy toddler. He has made the basic mistake of sounding slightly interested.

“The skeletons and the skeleton army and the ice wizard. Do you think that the ice wizard is a legendary, rare or common? Which arena do you think I’m on? What is arena 2 called? It’s called bone bit”

“Oscar how did your SATs go this week?”

“Well obviously it spawns 2 ice wizards”

“Did you do any maths tests?”

“Mummy what is it called when they put 2 goblins together and three spear goblins?”

“I’m not sure darling”

“It’s the goblin gang, silly Mummy”

“What is the person calls that throws spears Mummy?”

“Is it the fucking goblin spear thrower?”

“Yes Mummy correct. You’re clever when you try”

“I’m on arena 5 aren’t I Mummy?”

“Oscar would you like some chocolate from the vending machine that has better chocolate than shops?”

“Yes please Mummy”

“Here you go darling, take £3 and do your worst but no more talking about Clash Fucking Royal please darling”

“That’s ok I’ll tell you about Clash of Clans. It’s very similar mummy”

“And you can’t tell me about anything else? ”


“We haven’t done Pokemon for a while Mummy. We could do that. Can I borrow your phone please?”






“Can I have some more money please Mummy?”

“Yes darling, take all of it”

“I think that your daddy would love to hear all about clash of the clans he was telling me that he wished that he knew more about it. You can tell him when he gets back from football”

“That’s a good idea Mummy”

Jeans Zara sale rail £11.99 a couple of weeks ago
Top M&S sale years ago
Shoes Office sale under £30

We are live from the leisure centre

We are live from the leisure centre.

This morning I am a smug bitch who has already been for a five mile run. This couldn’t be further from the near death experience of last week when I was so hungover that I couldn’t actually speak. When I opened my mouth to speak there was just alcohol fumes and stifled sobs of self loathing.

I went for my run at 5.30 because that’s how I roll these days. Upon my return I was greeted by my three darling children who didn’t want to go swimming. My darling offspring have taken to emotional blackmail in order to avoid all my efforts to have them able to swim in case they fall in a river at some point in the future. It had all started so well. I felt a bit less smug as negotiations opened.

“Swimming is none negotiable I’m afraid”

“But, sob. I can’t swim 4 lengths and she makes us swim 4 lengths”

“Of course you can swim 4 lengths you are strong. You just don’t find It easy”

“Sob but I CAN’T do you hear me and it’s embarrassing”

“Look I will talk to the teacher”

“Yes talk to the teacher but not in front of everybody. That would be embarrassing as well”

“So let’s get this straight. I’m to talk to your teacher but I’m to get her on her own when she’s on the poolside teaching?”


“That’s not really possible is it? I can hardly say, Sally come with me I have important things to discuss with you relating to my child. Please come away from the poolside so that I can converse with you in secret about my very important child who finds most things easy but not swimming”

“Yes do that”

“No darling the world doesn’t revolve around you. I can’t do that. This is a valuable life lesson that worthwhile things aren’t always easy”

“Sob sob, bitch”

“And clean your teeth. I know that you’ve just been using mouth wash instead of brushing”

“And don’t cry in front of Ted. He’s world champion at crying to get out of things”


“What did you say”

“I said that I’ve got an itch”

“Where is your towel?

“I’m afraid that I don’t know what you’re talking about woman”

“Your swimming towel”


“You’ve left it at the leisure centre haven’t you?”

“Why was it me?”

“Because it’s the pink towel that only you use and you leave things everywhere”

“It wasn’t me”

Coats, shoes, coats shoes, why have you got dirty trousers on? Coats shoes, have you had your juice, put socks on, put socks on, put them on now. Shoes, and coat. Now, it’s cold, put your coat on. Good fucking god you all look like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards and you all look like the living dead because you are so tired. COATS, COATS NOW AND SHOES. Look we are so nearly going to be on time. Please let’s leave now. Have you got your gymnastics bag and water? Go, go MOVE YOUR ARSES OUT OF THE DOOR NOW.”

Dangerous muttered “I don’t know why you have to shout at them so much. They are so good”

I was quite a lot less smug by this point.

And then we left our happy home which is full of happy children and happy memories and get to the leisure centre where we retrieve the pink towel that definitely hadn’t been left from lost property.

We were late. I am still a bit smug but not as smug as when I started the morning. It serves me right for being a smug bitch that runs at 5.30 in the morning really.

Culottes Zara sale £6.99
Top warehouse £22
Shoes office sale
Jacket Zara sale £60
But then I got one in a different colour reduced to £20

We are not live from the leisure centre

We are not live from the leisure centre because there has been an unfortunate incident in which Totes went to Corks Out and then demanded that everybody went back to Totes Towers. We are not live from anywhere. We are dead in Totes Towers. Somebody just needs to put me out of my misery. Just fucking shoot me now It’s inhumane to let me suffer so.

Dangerous keeps giving me the “I’m very disappointed in you” look which is very unfair as it’s his fault that I am in this state. He was very rude and dismissive of me at teatime and that is why I went out and got minging. Everybody knows when I am minging because this is one of the few sensible things that I can think to say

“I IS MINGING. I IS MINGING. Did you know that I is minging?”

Totes usually moves in the year 4 mummy’s circle but last night went out with the reception mummies. The year 4 mummies are quite sedate compared to the reception Mummies. The reception mummies are hardcore. The really good thing about going out with the reception mummies is that Totes is not the token lush although to be fair nobody else tried breakdancing. Totes ended up breakdancing. Totes nearly always ends up breakdancing when she’s in this state. Totes can’t actually breakdance. She has never been able to breakdance. She gets on the floor and pushes herself around whistling shouting

“Get a load of my helicopter”

Luckily Totes’s Mummy was with her and she didn’t drink very much so she has given her a detailed breakdown of just what a twat she made of herself. Totes’s Mummy has also given her a list of people that she may have offended. Totes now has the doom.
The doom is shit. It’s the bit after the breakdancing when one of the little shits is demanding to know why the queens head is in profile on the £5 note and one is putting 7 years out of date Optrex in ones eyes to take the pain away. The pain is exacerbated by being told by Dangerous and Juju not to use the the fucking Optrex. I need to use the 7 years out of date Optrex because I have actually been stabbed in both eyes and then somebody has ground up some glass and placed it in my eyes whist I slept fitfully and awoke to the utter horror of some some of the things I said last night.

If you were in the Timperley area last night and got pawed by Totes or have been offended by her please be advised that normal service has been resumed and she’s very sorry. She’s really sorry and she’s feeling sick. Somebody has stuck ground up glass in her eyes and taken her sense of humour away and replaced it with fear and self loathing.

Aaaah fuck I haven’t got time to feel like this.

My eyes look like piss holes in the snow. I have tried to apply makeup to disguise it but I now look a bit like a drag queen that has been crying all night.

We are live from the leisure centre. We were late.

We are live from the leisure centre. We were late.

I have left Dangerous at home and have brought the most grumpy tearful little girl with me who is refusing to swim as she is “too tired” after her night away in Grasmere with school. We have already had tears this morning. I would feel sorry for her but she has made this hard due to her utter foulness.

Do you know who I feel really sorry for?

I feel really sorry for the teachers. I bet they draw straws in the staff room for the torture of accompanying the school trip.

“AaaHHHH NO NOT ME AGAIN. I did it last year. You bastards. You’ve rigged the straws”

“Stop crying. It will help you grow as a teacher”

“Fuck that. I’m booking myself into the priory now. My nerves can’t take it again. This is bullying in the workplace. I’m off the the union”

“But you’re the head!”

“Oh ok then but I need some Valium. I’d better get to the doctors for a prescription”

“Mmmmm I’ll tell you what. I’ll give a £250
Bonus and a promotion to deputy head to anybody willing to take my place”

And then on the morning of the trip.

“The head has locked herself in the toilets again and the coach is here.”

“Fucking hell. Every trick in the book with that one. I don’t even know how she got to be head”

And then on the coach

“Ok so the kitty is £25 each for booze. I’ve brought you all some of my private supply of prescription meds. ”Tis my 23rd school trip to the Lake District. Gather round young teachers and let me fill you with wisdom on how to get through the torture. The little shits just need lots of fresh air and exercise to make them tired. We just need to never sober up”

“How have you managed to get us back into the same youth hostel again? I thought that they said that our school was banned after the arson attack last year”

“They couldn’t prove that it was us. I said that I’d seen some rough looking kids running off”

“Just remember to put your spliff out properly this time and not under a pillow for later.”

“Have you still got the phone number of the councillor that specialises in post traumatic stress disorder?”

We really should pay teachers more. I wouldn’t be subjected to this sort of sleep deprivation and stress unless it was for something truly worthwhile like a Chanel Handbag.

Dress Zara sale £6.99
Jacket Whistles – I will never disclose how much it cost just in case Dangerous reads it.
Shoes Asos £20
Bag M and S £20

Daddy Dangerous is live from the Leisure Centre


Good morning live from the leisure centre. We were on time, possible even early. Dangerous has decided that this is his doing. Fucking men – that’s what I say.Daddy is woken gently at 7.00 by the dulcet tones of mummy saying “fucks sake get up if you’re coming to swimming lessons”

Daddy says “just another 10 minutes mummy”

Mummy says “arsehole” and goes downstairs to make breakfast for the three little shits and put enough makeup on so as to not scare anybody.

Mummy makes three different breakfasts and begs the little shits to eat it. She then implores them to drink something so that they don’t “fucking die from dehydration”. Mummy asks the three little shits to get dressed, she asks louder and louder and then takes the three little shits upstairs to dress them.

Mummy begs her offspring to brush their teeth whist she breaks her own rule about making the beds and does it herself.

One of the three little shits dresses himself as a drug dealer, one puts on trousers that are 3 inches too short and the third puts a pair of jeans on that has been rescued from the wash despite owning precisely 23 other pairs of clean jeans. Mummy cajoles this child to look in her wardrobe for a clean pair and perhaps a new sweatshirt for she has bought her at least 6 (I shit you not) new sweatshirts this week as this is now the only thing that this child will wear. An argument is narrowly averted by mummy actually conceding that “it’s just not fucking worth arguing about”. The child happily puts the crusty jeans back on whist mummy weeps and holds out the bag of tasteful new sweatshirts from the Gap sale. The child ignores the bag proffered and selects a garment from the floor.

“But darling that’s not new and it looks a bit grubby. Look what’s in this bag precious one. Lots of new nice clothes”

Mummy throws the bag back onto the bed in despair.

Daddy gets out of bed scratches his balls, yawns and pads downstairs to make coffee. He spills coffee all over the floor and mummy cleans it up with a dustpan and brush whilst he asks “why the fuck has this coffee jumped out of the cupboard at me and why isn’t it shut properly?”

Daddy sits down with the coffee and turns the news on.

“FFS daddy we are going to be late” hisses mummy who is emptying the dishwasher

“I’m just having a coffee” says daddy reclining in the leather chair with the footstool.

Mummy bangs around a lot and goes and changes into an outfit that she knows will that will really freak daddy out.

“Jesus wept what are you going as today mummy?”

“Why daddy, I’m glad you noticed. I’m going as a fashion forward bitch. Are you going in your pyjamas?”

“No I’m going to get dressed in a minute so that I can make sure that my darlings get to swimming on time”

Mummy scales the mountain of clean washing looking for the little shits swimming costumes whilst swearing.

“Fucking fuck, bastard twat, fucking wankstains” as clothes fly around.

After she empties the contents of the basket she contemplates for a moment and then looks in the swimming bag where she finds all the clean towels and swimming costumes that she must have very cleverly already put there and forgotten about. “What a daft cow”

By now the motley crew of children wearing clothes that don’t fit who are dehydrated and have lied about having brushed their teeth are assembled in the playroom and are twatting each other with iPads and remote controls and crying that they need batteries for things.
Mummy asks them to put their coats and shoes on. As she does this she gets the shoes and forces them onto their feet. They all refuse to wear coats and so mummy carries them.

Daddy saunters downstairs and puts on his horrible jacket that makes him look like an old man and says “ha look. We’re on time because I’m here”

“The fuck we are you great wazzock” says mummy quietly and they all leave the house and get in the car.

Mummy usually experienced a time warp just outside the house so that she leaves the house at 8.15 but somehow sets off in the car at 8.29 after the little shits have waged war on each other and cried over who sits where in the car. When daddy is with them this somehow doesn’t happen as Daddy is calm and not chaotic. He inspires his darlings to be well behaved and not gouge each other.

Mummy drives the smelly Nissan as daddy is embarrassed of the car as it is beneath him. What if somebody saw him driving it? They park in the car park and emerge victoriously at the leisure centre. The leisure centre is deserted as every other bastard has gone somewhere nice for Easter leaving just the hopelessly disorganised people to learn to swim.

Daddy buys himself a coffee and Sue the swimming instructor high fives mummy for being early. “Did you shit the bed Totes? ”
she says. Upon noticing daddy she says to his amusement “oh I see why you are early. You’ve had help”

“Help. Yes. I had fucking loads” says mummy.