Good morning – we are live from the leisure centre. I am only slightly hungover because I am not the sort of person who gets uncontrollably pissed. I am a well balanced and totally in control type who goes out and only has three gin and tonics. They were doubles but my new mantra is moderation. FFS – who am I trying to kid? I’m still in the denial stages about my disgraceful behaviour at Sharon Middle Aged’s barbecue last week.
We were on time today for our lesson, however this is only due to the fact that Oscar has moved up a stage and his lesson time has changed. How was I supposed to be aware of this?
We now don’t have to be at the leisure until 9.00am hooray!
I have left Dangerous at home with strict instructions about how I’m to find the house when I get home. I don’t know why I bother.
Our first argument of the weekend has already occurred. At 7.46am Dangerous looked like he was sorting a basket of clean laundry. It was the basket that I use for things that don’t need ironing
“Aawwwww look, what a gentleman I have as a husband. He’s going to sort everybody’s socks and undies out. What a good catch. I am such a lucky cow. The gods were truly looking down on me the day that I married that special man!”
He rooted though the overflowing basket and went upstairs with his own socks and underpants, leaving Thug Pug free reign on the remains. Thug Pug scampered off happily with a pair of boys underpants and came back for some socks.
I followed him upstairs
“Are you fucking joking? That’s grounds for divorce you miserable bastard! Why would you think that it’s acceptable to just put your own away?”
“I was just being helpful, my little pit viper!”
“You are fucking dead, DEAD do you hear me if i get back and this house is a shit hole and you are reclining in the motherfucking leather chair! DEAD, DEAD, DEAD. Do you hear me? I’m taking your children to swimming lessons and you had better take Thug Pug for a walk and do something helpful. I don’t ask for much. Just do a couple of things to make me less likely to self combust when I get home please”
“And you’d better try and put some other peoples socks away you selfish twat”
“Yes my darling little Rottweiler “
“And stop calling me hilariously funny animals or I’ll stab you with a fork before I kill you”
Next Altrincham to procure a present for Teds friends party and gymnastics.
Bella needs new shoes. She claims that hers don’t fit. I think that they all need new shoes but they all act like really special arseholes in Clarks.
I need to buy the three little shits new goggles.
I need to oil the decking with the Fifty fucking quid oil that I bought yesterday.
I need to take ten tonnes of shoes to the charity shop. I have three pairs of Dangerous’s shoes that need mending but the cobbler in broad Heath isn’t there any more. There was a sign in the empty shop to go around the back and go in the gate. The man that lived there explained that this was an instruction to the post man – not to middle aged women clueless women carrying bags of shoes.
I have been humming “grounds for divorce” be Elbow all morning.
Coat £19.99 Zara sale
Jeans £9.99 Zara sale
Top £5 H&M