Totes! I need help! I’ve got my first Tinder date on Sunday

Totes! I need help! I’ve got my first Tinder date on Sunday and I think he may have lied about his height in the same way I have done about my weight. I’m 5ft 10 and after extensive social media stalking I think he might be 5ft 7. Do I sport heels, go with flats or accept I can’t possible show my future Grandchildren photos of their beloved Grandma towering over Grandad? Discuss!

Dear Miss Tall

First of all, congratulations on securing a date in this digital age.

I’d say don’t overthink it. See how he is in bed and then book the wedding. He can wear Cuban heals to the wedding and nobody will know that you’ve got ballet flats on under the big white frock.

More to the point, is he addicted to watching sports on telly? This might seem quite charming and sweet at first sight but may become a deal breaker further down the line. You don’t want to be in labour with your first child whilst he refuses to take you to hospital until Match of the Fucking day finishes.

Good luck tonight. Put your lucky pants on.

Love Totes.

Do any of you Mofos have any advice for Miss Tall?Totes! I need help! I’ve got my first Tinder date on Sunday and I think he may have lied about his height in the same way I have done about my weight. I’m 5ft 10 and after extensive social media stalking I think he might be 5ft 7. Do I sport heels, go with flats or accept I can’t possible show my future Grandchildren photos of their beloved Grandma towering over Grandad? Discuss!

Dear Miss Tall

First of all, congratulations on securing a date in this digital age.

I’d say don’t overthink it. See how he is in bed and then book the wedding. He can wear Cuban heals to the wedding and nobody will know that you’ve got ballet flats on under the big white frock.

More to the point, is he addicted to watching sports on telly? This might seem quite charming and sweet at first sight but may become a deal breaker further down the line. You don’t want to be in labour with your first child whilst he refuses to take you to hospital until Match of the Fucking day finishes.

Good luck tonight. Put your lucky pants on.

Love Totes.

Do any of you Mofos have any advice for Miss Tall?

I’ve come to you (figuratively) for advice

Dear Totes

I’ve come to you (figuratively) for advice as I know you are a fellow gob shite and wise woman of the world.

I’ve found myself alienated by my friendship group over the last few months. We’ve been friends since school but the bunch of cows frequently exclude me from get togethers and have been completely disinterested in my life for a while now. But the advice I’m after is not about them as they are shoddy mates and can suck it.

What I want to know is how do you make new fabulous friends who care about your welfare, like to do nice things with you and don’t talk about you behind your back? Where do you go to meet them? Do people find it weird when you start talking shite to them at the gym? Can I counteract my resting bitch face? At 22, I am probably too young to be spending Saturday nights at home (although the lack of gin will help to prolong my miserable, lonely existence).

Thanks, Totes. P.S. me and my Mam think you are great!

Love V

Dear V

You need to get out there and make some new friends and I have an answer. It’s not “the” answer but it’s my answer. Simply invite yourself along to something and get twatted beforehand. This is a great way of making friends. You have to be the right level of twatted or it won’t work. Sort of so minging that you can still be understood but not that you shag a milkman or start a fight with somebody. I hope that you are getting ready to go out now as 22 is too young to be in on a Saturday unless you are still in a mess from Thursday and Friday.
Fuck the other bitches. They sound shit and boring. You sound like you are ace. Get out there and don’t forget to be really fashion forward whilst going about all this. That really helps.

Does anybody else have any advice for V?

I’m afraid that I have done a terrible thing and let myself down

Dear Totes

I’m afraid that I have done a terrible thing and let myself down. A national newspaper paid me to sell my sisters out. I wrote an article being an utter bitch about my fellow women. It was cruel and callous. I made a paltry amount of money by willingly misunderstanding humour and self deprecation. What will become of me now that I have my 30 pieces of silver?

http://dailym.ai/2ql3dza

Anna May

Dear Anna May

I’m afraid you’ve fucked up big time. I’ve just finished feeding my little shits still frozen fish fingers and now I’m starting on the gin.

Now let me tell you….

I think that you might need to seek professional help from a good therapist. You aren’t a stupid woman. You are articulate and bright and yet you choose to write hateful things that I suspect you probably don’t even believe yourself. What are your motives for this? You claim in the piece to be a mother to four children. A mother should show empathy and compassion. What’s wrong with a little humour. You certainly aren’t stupid enough to think that the women that you mock actually are spending their days pissed on gin. People pissed on gin don’t write because they are pissed.

I’d like to offer some words of advice but it’s possibly beyond my remit as an agony aunt and parenting guru.

I hope that you got paid a lot for this piece. All the women that you put down are just normal mums chronicling their daily struggles in a humorous way. It can be hard being a parent. It goes without saying that it’s wonderful. It’s wonderful 20 percent of the time, hard work 60 percent of the time and bloody awful 20 percent of the time. They drive their children to parties, swimming lessons, extra tuition, gymnastics and karate. They clean up vomit and apply plasters. All the normal humdrum shit and god fucking forbid that they have a job and guilt. We are all different.
Some people enjoy baking and doing craft and some love their children equally and have no fucking patience for such shite.

In essence – we need to stick together. We are all different and we are also similar. We all doubt ourselves sometimes. We all think that other people have their shit a little bit more together than we have and we all want to be good parents.

You just denied all that when you took all those blogs so literally.   You know it’s a load of shit that you wrote so you need to write an apology.

Yours Totes.

And also Gillian (from Peter and Jane) and Naomi (from I know I need to stop talking) said you are a bitch too.

Dear totes, Recently I purchased a joules top off eBay

Dear totes, I feel you are the Yoda in our lives and we are the Jedi’s in training,

Recently I purchased a joules top off eBay £14.99 buy it now bargain!!!! Then realised it was coming from China ??, I waited very patiently. Days, then weeks went past. Finally my parcel arrived, with sweaty shaking hands I opened it ….. my world fell apart, here are the photos for you as evidence. Please tell me how you would have dealt with such a travesty???

one of your dedicated followers Caroline Aka. Tart with a Heart ❤️ xx

 

Dear Tart with a heart,

Never fear, all is not lost. Any fashion forward bitch could wear this. You just need attitude. I have seen Rita Ora wearing something very similar. Also see Rihanna…….

May I suggest wearing it with hot pants and a crop top with a slogan. You will need a belt to cinch it in and big earrings et voila, a look for any occasion including a job interview, lunch with the in laws and ladies day at the races.

You’re welcome. X

Amazing new solutions for married couples

Hi I’m Totes

I’m a parenting guru and all round know it all fashion forward bitch. I’ve started writing a column entitled Dear Totes offering unbelievably helpful advice to people in need. I then though fuck it, I’ll take my advice out there to the people. I’ll give it to them before they’ve even asked for it. Lucky bastards.

Let me over share about my amazing new solutions for married couples who are experiencing difficulties with finding the time and enthusiasm to be intimate with one another.

I know that it can be hard to find the time to have sex when you have young children so let me share with you my tips for Totes getting jiggy I have three young children and I have absolutely put all of these to the test. I’m the Gwyneth Paltrow of Timperley apart from I’m skint and not skinny. I also drink too much and am struggling with the macrobiotic diet.

  1. Invest in a trampoline – no don’t be silly – you’re not going to use it for that. It will simply keep the children outside for the 5 minutes so that you can have some quality time together for your shag. They will obviously be twatting each other and screaming so you will know if one of them is no longer there. Nobody wants to play hide the sausage with a 4 year old watching. 5 minutes is all it takes which leads me into………
  2. The adverts – did you know that the adverts for Britain got Talent have been made just long enough so that you can have a shag and get back to the telly in time for the next act. Obviously those of you in the know will already be aware of the X Factor having really long adverts and my renaming of it as The Sex Factor. I reckon that if you tried hard enough you could also get a glass of wine as well.
  3. Are you having trouble getting him interested? He might need a bit of encouragement. Some people suggest that it can be hard for a man to see his partner in a sexual way after watching her giving birth. Why not spice things up with an exciting outfit. I have found the Man City away strip to be the answer but you may need to think about this. If your man is into fishing, maybe you could invest in some waders and a rod. If he’s into cars what about a steering wheel on your head and some big mirrors mounted on your ears. The possibilities are limitless. If you’ve never tried anything like this and feel a little shy you could always start small with maybe his favourite snack like crisps hidden in your bra or if he’s into spicy food, mango chutney smeared on your tummy seductively. If he’s anything like mine, a provocative can of Stella is both cheap and effective.
  4. Maybe he’s just not doing it for you. Get in the mood by letting the children watch Tom Hardy doing the CBeebies bedtime story. Well, what the fuck did you think it was for? There were rumours that he was in Manchester today. We closed the office to seek him out but to no avail.
  5. You could try something new together. Start with something easy like the food scene in 9 and a half weeks. Yes that’s right – tie the bastard to the fridge and feed him out of date humus and the innocent smoothies that the kids asked for in the supermarket and then wouldn’t drink. You are now multi tasking – sex and cleaning the fridge out. Fucking winner.
  6. Take a sensual bath together. Use the Spider-Man bubble bath or the plentiful bath bombs that the kids have to give yourself a lovely dose of thrush.
  7. Have you considered sex toys? Investing in this sort of thing isn’t as risky as it sounds. If you find that you aren’t into massive dildos after giving it a whirl you could reuse it as a toilet roll holder or kitchen roll holder in the kitchen. The neighbours will be jealous of your liberal free spirit where interiors are concerned.
  8. Sexy undies. I always wear my very sexy Lonsdale sports bra and grey cotton pants whilst I seductively dance around the house being a siren. I particularly like to iron like this as it does it for my husband.
  9. Why not give him a lap dance. I channel Kate Bush on acid whilst doing this.He literally begs tor it (to stop)
  10. Gwyneth Paltrow advocates steaming your fairy but why waste money on a steamer when you’ve got a kettle. I got the kettle very close but was a bit scared to try it. I’m going to try it with the iron next. 
  11. Don’t forget to sort your bikini line out. Can’t be arsed? No me neither. Never mind, The can of Stella usually hides the worst of it.


Well there you have it.

There’s loads more where that came from. I’ve hardly got started yet.

Ooooooh it’s Wednesday. I’d better get the wine out. Also he’ll be home soon so I’d better get on with steaming my fairy for his return.

If you need any further advice – don’t be afraid to ask………

Two weeks ago, I told my boyfriend to Fuck Right Off

Dear Totes,

Two weeks ago, I told my boyfriend to Fuck Right Off in a menopausal rage. I spent the rest of the evening hi-fiving myself and feeling generally marvellous. I then rehearsed cool and witty retorts for the endless texts and calls begging for my forgiveness. However, it seems said boyfriend was far more obedient than I gave him credit for and he did in fact Fuck Right Off. So…my problem is: do I spend the entire Easter weekend watching back to back Real Housewives of Cheshire with an endless supply of Prosecco or shall I hit the hard stuff and go for red?
Please help me, oh what should I do?

Dear boyfriendless

I wouldn’t worry. On the plus side, you’ll have the bed to yourself and you won’t have to share your Easter eggs.

On the question of booze, I’d go red. Prosecco is so last year.

But what does everybody else say?

I have been living in fear of being found out

For some time now I have been living in fear of being found out. To everybody else I seem as though I have everything. I’m handsome with a permanent tan apart from around my eyes. My hair is a rich shade of orange. I have a trophy wife and I’m really fuck off stinking rich. Power has never eluded me. To be frank I’ve got it all on the surface but deep down I’m worried that I’m not clever enough. I mean I am really clever but maybe that’s not enough. I’m a a bit shit at geography but that doesn’t matter much in my line of work. Actually I’ve thought about it and actually I’m fine. I know that I’m really bastard clever but sometimes…..

I have dark fears that I’m been used as a puppet and that everybody is laughing at me. When I feel like this, I usually do something to make myself feel better like maybe casually sexually assaulting somebody for laughs or perhaps trying to deny minority groups. This usually works but it’s not quite as effective any more. Sure I can always hang out with the uneducated to make me feel superior but now it’s starting to lose its sheen.

Recently I have been fantasising about missiles whilst masturbating. I’m fairly sure that this is normal behaviour. My peers seem to have similar tastes. The other night though I got a bit over excited and actually pressed the button when I came. The wife and I have sepetate bedrooms so she doesn’t know. To be honest I don’t think that she’d give a flying fuck anyway. She’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I’m not sure that she cares for me.
Some of the other guys that I hang with have got better access to toys than me. This makes me feel jealous. There’s this one guy that gets to play more with his nukes more than me. This makes me feel impotent with rage but my guys that look after me won’t tell me who it is. It could be somebody in South Korea or Iraq or something.
So Totes please can you help my wife become a fashion forward bitch before the nuclear holocaust. She’s just not got it going on at the moment. She’s a bit meh, you know beige and she doesnt act the same when I grab her by the pussy anymore. I think that she knows that I do it to other people too. She just needs a new outfit.

Thanks Donny

Dear Donny
I have it on good authority that the new season will bring with it grey, tattered and blood stained. She might be in the bunker with you but she will be relevant. She’ll be in front of the curve so to say. She’ll be working the look before everybody else.
Might be be so bold as to suggest that you might also benefit from some sartorial advice yourself. I’m thinking green with a cap. If you need something to offset the green with your orange hair you could always try a white circle with a black cross with flicks. This would really work with your colouring.

I said a few outlandish things and people raised their eyebrows

Dear Totes

I’m not sure where to begin as I have such a big problem but here goes……

I have made a living for quite some time now as a brash opinionated journalist, TV personality and broadcaster. The thing is this……it’s making me really unhappy. I wanted to be liked, not vilified but I’m sure that nobody likes me any more.

It started off so innocently. I said a few outlandish things and people raised their eyebrows. Soon this wasn’t enough. I craved more and more attention and so as one does, I began to raise the stakes. I particularly enjoyed being unkind to my fellow women, people who I saw as being in a lower class to myself and anybody holding religious views. To be fair, I’ll pretty much belittle anybody to further my career. Ooooh I forgot to mention that I really dislike fat people and obviously people who name their children in a way that I don’t see fit.

I have had particular problems with being sued but I made light of this. Now I think that it might be getting me down.

Anyway Totes. Let’s not dwell on all that shit because to be frank, I don’t actually give that much of a fuck, here is my actual problem.
How the fuck can I make myself look less middle aged whilst I’m being a vicious bitch to any fucker that takes my fancy? You’re a fashion forward bitch. What do you think?

Thanks Totes – love Hatie

Dear Hatie

You mentioned in your longer letter that you are quite scrawny. Perhaps it’s time to put some weight on as it will make you look less severe. Can I suggest that you start with a fuck off large glass of wine and continue to drink every other day because you need to chill the fuck out. You could try eating a bit as well, then you wouldn’t have low blood sugar and always be so foul to people.
Also if you stop being mean to everybody perhaps your mouth would look nicer as it wouldn’t always be saying poisonous things.

Let’s throw out your frankly dubious wardrobe and start again.

And just think before you open your gob. It’s not hard. Count to 10 for fucks sake before you say anything and read things before you send them to your editor.
Nobody likes the mean girl and I think that underneath there’s a nice girl screaming to get out.

Let’s do Zara. You need a sharper image and a softer mouth.

You need less cardigans and you are too old for bodycon dresses.

Also we can do the sale rail in H&M as I know that you’re on a budget now with all the damages and shit.

Well done for taking the first step Hatie. I see a brighter future now that you have seen the error of your ways.

Totes

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