Dear Totes

Amazing new solutions for married couples

Hi I’m Totes

I’m a parenting guru and all round know it all fashion forward bitch. I’ve started writing a column entitled Dear Totes offering unbelievably helpful advice to people in need. I then though fuck it, I’ll take my advice out there to the people. I’ll give it to them before they’ve even asked for it. Lucky bastards.

Let me over share about my amazing new solutions for married couples who are experiencing difficulties with finding the time and enthusiasm to be intimate with one another.

I know that it can be hard to find the time to have sex when you have young children so let me share with you my tips for Totes getting jiggy I have three young children and I have absolutely put all of these to the test. I’m the Gwyneth Paltrow of Timperley apart from I’m skint and not skinny. I also drink too much and am struggling with the macrobiotic diet.

  1. Invest in a trampoline – no don’t be silly – you’re not going to use it for that. It will simply keep the children outside for the 5 minutes so that you can have some quality time together for your shag. They will obviously be twatting each other and screaming so you will know if one of them is no longer there. Nobody wants to play hide the sausage with a 4 year old watching. 5 minutes is all it takes which leads me into………
  2. The adverts – did you know that the adverts for Britain got Talent have been made just long enough so that you can have a shag and get back to the telly in time for the next act. Obviously those of you in the know will already be aware of the X Factor having really long adverts and my renaming of it as The Sex Factor. I reckon that if you tried hard enough you could also get a glass of wine as well.
  3. Are you having trouble getting him interested? He might need a bit of encouragement. Some people suggest that it can be hard for a man to see his partner in a sexual way after watching her giving birth. Why not spice things up with an exciting outfit. I have found the Man City away strip to be the answer but you may need to think about this. If your man is into fishing, maybe you could invest in some waders and a rod. If he’s into cars what about a steering wheel on your head and some big mirrors mounted on your ears. The possibilities are limitless. If you’ve never tried anything like this and feel a little shy you could always start small with maybe his favourite snack like crisps hidden in your bra or if he’s into spicy food, mango chutney smeared on your tummy seductively. If he’s anything like mine, a provocative can of Stella is both cheap and effective.
  4. Maybe he’s just not doing it for you. Get in the mood by letting the children watch Tom Hardy doing the CBeebies bedtime story. Well, what the fuck did you think it was for? There were rumours that he was in Manchester today. We closed the office to seek him out but to no avail.
  5. You could try something new together. Start with something easy like the food scene in 9 and a half weeks. Yes that’s right – tie the bastard to the fridge and feed him out of date humus and the innocent smoothies that the kids asked for in the supermarket and then wouldn’t drink. You are now multi tasking – sex and cleaning the fridge out. Fucking winner.
  6. Take a sensual bath together. Use the Spider-Man bubble bath or the plentiful bath bombs that the kids have to give yourself a lovely dose of thrush.
  7. Have you considered sex toys? Investing in this sort of thing isn’t as risky as it sounds. If you find that you aren’t into massive dildos after giving it a whirl you could reuse it as a toilet roll holder or kitchen roll holder in the kitchen. The neighbours will be jealous of your liberal free spirit where interiors are concerned.
  8. Sexy undies. I always wear my very sexy Lonsdale sports bra and grey cotton pants whilst I seductively dance around the house being a siren. I particularly like to iron like this as it does it for my husband.
  9. Why not give him a lap dance. I channel Kate Bush on acid whilst doing this.He literally begs tor it (to stop)
  10. Gwyneth Paltrow advocates steaming your fairy but why waste money on a steamer when you’ve got a kettle. I got the kettle very close but was a bit scared to try it. I’m going to try it with the iron next. 
  11. Don’t forget to sort your bikini line out. Can’t be arsed? No me neither. Never mind, The can of Stella usually hides the worst of it.

Well there you have it.

There’s loads more where that came from. I’ve hardly got started yet.

Ooooooh it’s Wednesday. I’d better get the wine out. Also he’ll be home soon so I’d better get on with steaming my fairy for his return.

If you need any further advice – don’t be afraid to ask………