A list of things that you will need to survive for the next two weeks.
A nice Pinot noir
WiFi for the little shits – please phone ahead to anywhere that you might be visiting so as to avoid bitter recriminations.
Batteries and fucking plenty of them.
A glazier on speed dial as the little shits have started playing football indoors.
A supermarket delivery slot every day to provide crisps, pork products, milk and weetabix for the child that eats like two grown men.
More patience than usual
Loads of cash
Bucket and spade to be used as weapons.
Sun cream that probably won’t be needed.
New crabbing nets.
New sandals/crocs/flip flop for everyone
Travel sickness tablets
Spare clothes for when they fall in the sea.
The coastguard to be on high alert
Paracetamol and ibuprofen for hangovers
A good book to take with you but only read three chapters of
A winter coat and wooly hat for everyone apart from Mum.
Tan accelerator for Mum
Fake tan for Mum.
Sick bags for the car
Cricket bats, balls, tennis rackets, skittles, football etc
Drafts and chess set for when their is no WiFi
Trivial pursuits so that Mum and Dad can argue bitterly in the evening whilst pissed up on wine.
Plasters, bandages and disinfectant for the injuries sustained when the little shits have a full on punch up or fall down some stairs
The address of the local NHS walk in centre.
Things that you won’t need
Kids toothbrushes as there’s no need for them to brush their teeth whilst on holiday.
Any nice clothes as it will be bitterly cold on the pier whist you are crabbing.
And a couple of useful tips from a pro.
Do not clean the fucking car out! Do not waste your time! It’s going to have half a beach, a dog, three filthy kids and vomit in it!
Don’t forget to lose FiveLive radio station so that you are not forced to endure it as you drive your family around the Welsh countryside.
Remember capsule wardrobe, do not take half your wardrobe and thirty seven pairs of shoes with you.
Obviously if you are going abroad, none of this applies and you can fuck off, you big show off!
Shit the bed, it’s half term!