I have been out in my dogging outfit! Don’t tell anybody but I’m really rather fond of my wellies and parka combo. The pockets are full of plastic bags and treats for dogging action.
We have been professional begging for sweets. We are utter skanks! At points myself and Teds friends Mummy hid behind hedges such was the mortification at being the parents of such scrotes. Ted and his friend really lead the way with taking the piss on taking too many sweets and knocking menacingly on people’s doors.
At least we now have a career path marked out for them. We are thinking that they will go into protection or debt collection. Obviously protection is a euphemism for extortion.
“Open up idiots!” Was the worst thing that they shouted in exuberance whilst knocking on someone’s door.
“What a dreadful thing to say! How rude! Did you say thank you?”
This was after I dropped the eldest at her friends home without a costume as she’d been in a hockey tournament. We pulled up at the house to see that her friends Mummy must have spent the last fortnight dressing the house. No expense and indeed no effort had been spared in the pursuit of the perfect Halloween ambience. There was a grave in the garden, dry ice, the whole house was covered in cobwebs. Our own home in comparison had two shit pumpkins without candles because we couldn’t find any. They had been carved so badly that both boys had shed actual tears at having their Halloween dreams shattered.
We have lived on our quiet little development for nearly six years. It’s gated and so after the first years disappointment we realised that people probably weren’t going to come through the gates Every year though, we have had sweets next to the door – just in case. Tonight I split all our sweets amongst my own little shits and Teds friend. When we got home from trick or treating, there was a ring of the bell……
“Trick or treat?”
“Mother fucker! I’ll take the trick. We haven’t got anything……NO WAIT, HERE YOU GO!” I said as I gave them some of my little shits sweets that they keep referring to as Candy.
And so without further ado, I think that it’s time for a big glass of Malbec.
Chin chin, up yer bum witches, werewolves and zombies.
I’m off to watch the final of the Bake Off. Apparently Pru spilled the beans this morning on who won. I don’t do twitter so I’m still in blissful ignorance.
I will miss seeing Noel weekly