Monthly Archives: October 2017

I have been out in my dogging outfit!

I have been out in my dogging outfit!

I have been out in my dogging outfit! Don’t tell anybody but I’m really rather fond of my wellies and parka combo. The pockets are full of plastic bags and treats for dogging action.

We have been professional begging for sweets. We are utter skanks! At points myself and Teds friends Mummy hid behind hedges such was the mortification at being the parents of such scrotes. Ted and his friend really lead the way with taking the piss on taking too many sweets and knocking menacingly on people’s doors.

At least we now have a career path marked out for them. We are thinking that they will go into protection or debt collection. Obviously protection is a euphemism for extortion.

“Open up idiots!” Was the worst thing that they shouted in exuberance whilst knocking on someone’s door.

“What a dreadful thing to say! How rude! Did you say thank you?”

This was after I dropped the eldest at her friends home without a costume as she’d been in a hockey tournament. We pulled up at the house to see that her friends Mummy must have spent the last fortnight dressing the house. No expense and indeed no effort had been spared in the pursuit of the perfect Halloween ambience. There was a grave in the garden, dry ice, the whole house was covered in cobwebs. Our own home in comparison had two shit pumpkins without candles because we couldn’t find any. They had been carved so badly that both boys had shed actual tears at having their Halloween dreams shattered.

We have lived on our quiet little development for nearly six years. It’s gated and so after the first years disappointment we realised that people probably weren’t going to come through the gates Every year though, we have had sweets next to the door – just in case. Tonight I split all our sweets amongst my own little shits and Teds friend. When we got home from trick or treating, there was a ring of the bell……

“Trick or treat?”

“Mother fucker! I’ll take the trick. We haven’t got anything……NO WAIT, HERE YOU GO!” I said as I gave them some of my little shits sweets that they keep referring to as Candy.

And so without further ado, I think that it’s time for a big glass of Malbec.

Chin chin, up yer bum witches, werewolves and zombies.

I’m off to watch the final of the Bake Off. Apparently Pru spilled the beans this morning on who won. I don’t do twitter so I’m still in blissful ignorance.

I will miss seeing Noel weekly

Back to school cool

Back to school cool

Back to school cool. I found the gold skirt in my wardrobe after a small avalanche. I was stunned for a few seconds when thirty pairs of jeans fell on my head and knocked me backwards into the shoe section of the wardrobe. My legs were wedged in between boots but under a shelf so… Continue Reading

RIP Henry. You will be missed.

RIP Henry. You will be missed.

RIP Henry. You will be missed. I can’t help but think that I could have done more. If only I’d realised how ill he was. He was held together with black electrical tape. I knew that there was a loose connection somewhere inside him because I had to have the flex at a certain angle… Continue Reading

“Your Mummy was a minger too!”

“Your Mummy was a minger too!”

“Your Mummy was a minger too!” Blue velvet boots though. I had to……. I awoke this morning to the delights of a blood bath due to Oscar having a nose bleed all over his bed. Luckily Juju is staying so we sorted it. Sheets were promptly stripped and were put to soak in the bath… Continue Reading

What an epic woman I am

What an epic woman I am

What an epic woman I am. Having failed in previous years to bag a pumpkin because I left it to the actual day of Halloween, I have got myself three massive pumpkins from Aldi. The suspension on the car wasn’t happy but the three little shits will be. There wasn’t room in the house for… Continue Reading

We have had a day at the Traffic centre

We have had a day at the Traffic centre

We have had a day at the Traffic centre. Nana insisted that the little shits needed new outfits for a wedding that we will be attending as a family. Unfortunately I hadn’t considered that I’d have to buy each of them an outfit that they’ll only where once. I don’t think that I’m really mean… Continue Reading

Dangerous has just left for work

Dangerous has just left for work

Dangerous has just left for work. Before he left there were words of encouragement and kisses. He really is a caring and thoughtful man. I’m so lucky that I’m married to him. Imagine if you will being married to a man that’s not compassionate, nurturing and warm. He also said “have a nice day” to… Continue Reading