Category Archives: Dear Totes

Totes! I need help! I’ve got my first Tinder date on Sunday

Totes! I need help! I’ve got my first Tinder date on Sunday

Totes! I need help! I’ve got my first Tinder date on Sunday and I think he may have lied about his height in the same way I have done about my weight. I’m 5ft 10 and after extensive social media stalking I think he might be 5ft 7. Do I sport heels, go with flats or accept I can’t possible show my future Grandchildren photos of their beloved Grandma towering over Grandad? Discuss!

Dear Miss Tall

First of all, congratulations on securing a date in this digital age.

I’d say don’t overthink it. See how he is in bed and then book the wedding. He can wear Cuban heals to the wedding and nobody will know that you’ve got ballet flats on under the big white frock.

More to the point, is he addicted to watching sports on telly? This might seem quite charming and sweet at first sight but may become a deal breaker further down the line. You don’t want to be in labour with your first child whilst he refuses to take you to hospital until Match of the Fucking day finishes.

Good luck tonight. Put your lucky pants on.

Love Totes.

Do any of you Mofos have any advice for Miss Tall?Totes! I need help! I’ve got my first Tinder date on Sunday and I think he may have lied about his height in the same way I have done about my weight. I’m 5ft 10 and after extensive social media stalking I think he might be 5ft 7. Do I sport heels, go with flats or accept I can’t possible show my future Grandchildren photos of their beloved Grandma towering over Grandad? Discuss!

Dear Miss Tall

First of all, congratulations on securing a date in this digital age.

I’d say don’t overthink it. See how he is in bed and then book the wedding. He can wear Cuban heals to the wedding and nobody will know that you’ve got ballet flats on under the big white frock.

More to the point, is he addicted to watching sports on telly? This might seem quite charming and sweet at first sight but may become a deal breaker further down the line. You don’t want to be in labour with your first child whilst he refuses to take you to hospital until Match of the Fucking day finishes.

Good luck tonight. Put your lucky pants on.

Love Totes.

Do any of you Mofos have any advice for Miss Tall?

I’ve come to you (figuratively) for advice

I’ve come to you (figuratively) for advice

Dear Totes I’ve come to you (figuratively) for advice as I know you are a fellow gob shite and wise woman of the world. I’ve found myself alienated by my friendship group over the last few months. We’ve been friends since school but the bunch of cows frequently exclude me from get togethers and have… Continue Reading

Amazing new solutions for married couples

Amazing new solutions for married couples

Hi I’m Totes I’m a parenting guru and all round know it all fashion forward bitch. I’ve started writing a column entitled Dear Totes offering unbelievably helpful advice to people in need. I then though fuck it, I’ll take my advice out there to the people. I’ll give it to them before they’ve even asked… Continue Reading