Monthly Archives: May 2017

Fuck I’m a bit burned

Fuck I’m a bit burned

Fuck I’m a bit burned and bollocks I have missed killer Corrie twice now. If you are currently child free but are considering having children, you need to seriously consider whether you can live without your soaps. Nearly 10 years ago, I gave birth for the first time. I knew and was prepared for life never being the same but I really hadn’t thought though how it would affect my ability to get my soap fix.

I didn’t really mind Eastenders but I thought that I’d never be able to live without Coronation street.

“So who is he that’s got Ken Barlow?”

“I’m fucked if I know”

“So the bad guy was grooming Bethany Platt all along?”

“Must have been”

“Who’s that?”

“Not sure”

And then gentle snoring.

What a lightweight my husband is I pondered. It’s only 9.06 I thought as I nodded off myself.

When my oldest little shit was about 12 months old, I remember standing over her cot, bent at an awkward angle with one hand on her back. If I took my hand off her back, she would sit up hopefully for a cuddle. When she realised that she really wasn’t going to get anywhere because mummy had read every fucking parenting manual going, she would finally settle.I would then sit on the floor in the dark until she actually fell asleep. I wouldn’t look at her so as not to give her false hope and eventually after 8 or 9 false starts, I would finally exit her nursery. If I dared try to escape on my hands and knees when she wasn’t quite asleep, she would scream her indignation and stand up in the cot again. From memory this would take on a good evening, an hour but more likely going towards two. I would listen to the Coronation street theme tune as it started and then with dismay as it came on for the end. Who knew that nearly 10 years later, I’d still be sat missing Coronation street whilst sitting with first a 5 year old and then a 7 year old who need mummy to get to sleep.

10 years of missing Coronation street. I was so happy when it was on at 9.00 this week. I’m so rock n roll that 9.00 is now too late for me to be awake for.

Can anybody tell me what’s going on please? Is somebody going to die in quicksand? Who is with Ken?

I can’t do a picture of my outfit as I’m too sun burned but it is epic.

Chin chin and up your bum fashion forward bitches from Totes Towers.

We are going on holiday on Saturday.

We are going on holiday on Saturday.

We are going on holiday on Saturday. Unfortunately yesterday we needed to procure many items. They were as follows Cases, because ours are about 15 years old. They are battered, filthy and made of cheap material. They weren’t nice when I bought them. They have lived through many a trip with 23 pairs of shoes… Continue Reading

Look at this stoic all round excellent parent

Look at this stoic all round excellent parent

Look at this stoic all round excellent parent just getting on with half term. Fucking epic. How does she do it? With fucking Sauvignon Blanc that’s how. Fucking haircuts, ironing without wine this morning, supermarkets, TK MAXX for cases, sun cream, toiletries whist they ran amok. Twatted Tuesday is on. Continue Reading

I fucking hate this computer

I fucking hate this computer

I fucking hate this computer. I hate it so much. I can’t do anything on it. It took me 4 attempts to open my Emails. I had to phone Dangerous to ask him for his ICloud password. I need to open a specific email. I scroll to where it should be and it’s not there.… Continue Reading

The Totes guide to running a marathon

The Totes guide to running a marathon

The Totes guide to running a marathon. Obviously I am amazing at most things. Running a marathon just comes naturally to me so I have decided to share my knowledge with you. Obviously one trains. Whilst training I think that it’s terribly good form to whinge incessantly at your running bitches. My running bitches are… Continue Reading

We are on our way to Liverpool

We are on our way to Liverpool

Good morning. We are on our way to Liverpool to run 26.2 bastard miles. I’ve forgotten money because I spent the last 10 minutes prior to leaving the house washing my trainers that were covered in dog poo. I then had to bleach the sink. Living the dream. We are asking for donations for the… Continue Reading