Monthly Archives: April 2017

I have pulled my sorry hungover arse out of the house

I have pulled my sorry hungover arse out of the house

I have pulled my sorry hungover arse out of the house to take the little shits to Pizza Express in Hale. We lowered the tone and generally adversely effected properly prices by parking the smelly Nissan on the main road and looking in the estate agent windows. The little shits like property porn as much as we do. They decided that they wanted the house in Lymm with the swimming pool at £2.5 million as it had a swimming pool. My taste is far better though. I spotted a Victorian villa in need of modernisation and only £1.65 million.

We went into Pizza Express and lowered the tone in there as well. Oscar wrote “don’t mess with me” on his hat whilst Bella wrote “don’t judge me”. The waiting staff in Pizza Express most probably own most of the properties in the estate agents windows. They are fucking coining it in. In my next life, I will open a Pizza restaurant in a well heeled suburb of Cheshire and the little shits can have a massive swimming pool.

There was the usual punch up on the way out as Bella wound Oscar up and Oscar decided to put his boxing skills to the test. He landed a good right hook. We are thinking of sending him to boxing lessons. We do need a bigger house with a pool and I’ve heard that the prize money for last nights fight was £15million. I’d have got in the ring for that money.

Shit the bed. I’ve got my 20 mile run tomorrow so my body is a temple. It’s obviously a temple that eats gigantic pizzas and chocolate brownies. I gave up on the gluten free after 1 week. I did lose 5 pounds though which is hilarious as I’m sure that I look bigger around the tummy than ever before.

Dress warehouse £30
Boots Zara £30

Tonight I give you interiors advice……

Tonight I give you interiors advice……

Tonight I give you interiors advice…… To get that industrial fucked up interior, why not encourage your little shits to scooter/skateboard/just generally twat into your skirting boards. Forget copper and naked light bulbs….that’s so last year. This year is about abandonment and cracked tiles. The word on bathrooms from architects and forward thinking interior designers… Continue Reading

Amazing new solutions for married couples

Amazing new solutions for married couples

Hi I’m Totes I’m a parenting guru and all round know it all fashion forward bitch. I’ve started writing a column entitled Dear Totes offering unbelievably helpful advice to people in need. I then though fuck it, I’ll take my advice out there to the people. I’ll give it to them before they’ve even asked… Continue Reading

Is it too cold to wear sandals?

Is it too cold to wear sandals?

Ok this is a serious question. Is it too cold to wear sandals? I think that it’s not as cold as yesterday so I probably won’t get frostbite. I’m rocking my new Fly London sandals which Bells Shoes sent me. Do you want a discount code? – oh ok then. It’s TOTES15. They’ve got a… Continue Reading

Opening new shoes

Opening new shoes

Live from Totes Towers and opening new shoes. Do you want a discount code? – oh go on then. It’s TOTES15 https://www.bellsshoes.co.uk/fly-london-m101 Live from Totes Towers and opening new shoes. Do you want a discount code? – oh go on then. It's TOTES15 https://www.bellsshoes.co.uk/fly-london-m101 Posted by Totes inappropes on Tuesday, 25 April 2017 Continue Reading

There is a box of shoes outside

There is a box of shoes outside

Dangerous said “Good fucking god, there is a box of shoes outside. I thought that we had decided on a course of action that included no further purchases of shoes as you can no longer get in our bedroom. “Mmmmmm. Are you sure that they are shoes?”Totes said in reply. “Yes I’m sure that they are… Continue Reading

It’s happy Monday

It’s happy Monday

It’s happy Monday. I have spent the day at the dentist being assaulted by a dentist who frankly looked about 13. She complemented me on my lipstick whilst she had her hands in my mouth. “Mmmmm nankoo” I replied. When getting in the car afterwards a man had road rage at me for daring to… Continue Reading